The World of Jill Twiss

2012-01-15T18:35:00.000-05:00

Some people use their Saturday nights to go out with friends or spend quality time with family or invent the cure to cancer (honestly, not very many people are doing the third one. GET ON THAT.) I watched the Miss America pageant and shared my thoughts on twitter. Is it as noble as curing cancer? No, but in my defense, the only reason I passed my high school chemistry class is because the

2012-01-09T20:47:00.001-05:00

Last Saturday night when everyone else was off with their "friends" having a "social life," I was sitting at home live-tweeting the Republican primary debate. I watch these things so you don't have to. Here is how it went: 9:01pm: ROMNEY OPENING: "Yes economy is getting better, but coincidentally Obama stabs kittens." 9:05pm: Santorum will totally win the New Hampshire primary, assuming they

2011-10-06T13:04:00.000-04:00

This is a song about people we hate. HATE.

2011-09-28T13:12:00.000-04:00

If you are single or married, you should watch this. If you are not single or married, you should write me a letter because I do not understand how that works.

2011-09-20T18:24:00.000-04:00

2009-12-11T20:58:00.002-05:00

Beer and Blogging, that is how I shall spend my Friday night.'Twas supposed to be spent Fun and Partying, but as that they are not alliterative, God decided to make my car not start. I had no idea God was such a fan of wordplay.It is all for the best, as I think about it. I was supposed to go to a party in New Jersey. Parties in New Jersey never end well. Well, technically, I've never been to

2009-11-24T23:19:00.002-05:00

A brief quiz: A young Croatian man is gleefully masturbating whilst choking himself with a scarf. His unsuspecting mother walks in just before he, ahem, finishes. Does he:a) Scream, blush, and prepare for the most awkward Thanksgiving dinner conversation ever;b) Explain his position by informing her that while his neck was very cold indeed, his penis was, in fact, quite warm and thus needed to

2009-11-19T19:37:00.003-05:00

Oh dear. It's weird to feel that you owe a bunch of people that you've never met an explanation but, well, here we are.Well, here I am at least. You might be somewhere else. In fact, now that I think about it, you are definitely somewhere else. If you were here, I probably would have washed my hair today so as to continue the long-held misconception that I have "nice hair." We can't let the

2009-11-18T11:50:00.006-05:00

FACT 1: Everybody has a sex tape nowadays. If you are a celebrity and you do not yet have a sex tape, you are clearly either a nun or Bob Barker. Maybe both, in which case I anticipate the best revival ever of “The Sound of Music.” FACT 2: Even with the current influx, the entertainment media is still expected to

2009-04-17T13:38:00.003-04:00

(The following is a cover letter I wrote in response to an ad for "Comedy Writer (female)---full time position includes benefits." Sadly by the time I wrote the cover letter, the ad had been removed. So someone else will be getting these benefits.)Dear Potential 401(k) Providers--I might be just what you're looking for. Not only am I a comedy writer, but I am also a girl. With menstruation

2009-02-18T19:57:00.003-05:00

I would be cast in a national tour of a Broadway musical right now if I were taller. Oh, and blonder. And older. Also, if I were an entirely different person.I mean, I'm pretty sure that's what they were saying. They thought I was good. Very VERY good, they said. But I was me and they wanted not-me. They wanted tall-blonde-old-Jill-Twiss who is, frankly, not Jill Twiss at all.Even if I

2009-02-13T00:14:00.001-05:00

I learned from Katy Newton that "jumping jacks" are called "star jumps" in the U.K.I think I shall start my own brand of English-English dictionaries.

2009-02-05T21:50:00.003-05:00

It's been coming for a while, friends: Here's the post where you figure out that I don't know anything about computery or internety things. Added, of course, to the long list of OTHER things that I don't know, like "how to make soup" or "the square root of my nose."You see, in my world, people talk about bloggy things all the time and I nod enthusiastically and smile appreciatively and have no

2009-02-02T00:20:00.003-05:00

My friend Suzy is putting on a show next weekend. It is in St. Paul, Minnesota. Or Minneapolis, Minnesota depending on what the kids are calling it nowadays.Now I know that most of you don't LIVE in St. MinneaPaulis (as I just decided I shall call it from now till eternity or Thursday.) But some of you might very well live there. In fact, I *know* some of you live there because my sitemeter

2009-01-29T14:30:00.002-05:00

Dear Floor-Fixers,I was surprised when the office at my apartment building announced that you were coming to fix my boiling hot floors. I was also concerned when the words "several days," "jackhammering concrete in your kitchen," and "don't worry, we'll put boards over the holes so you can walk" were mentioned.But, let's be honest, here are things I was most concerned with:1) The fact that this

2009-01-25T22:14:00.001-05:00

It seems that I, in a case of horrible misspeaking, told my audience last night that I think 8 year olds are "hot."Which I don't.On the other hand, if they WERE, that would be an awesome hit show for Fox."Are You Hotter Than a Third Grader?"

2009-01-21T14:14:00.002-05:00

There are, I think, lots of good reasons for a person not writing in her blog for weeks and weeks and weeks. Most of them involve either having a terrible illness or else being eaten by a whale (Jonah NEVER updated his blog, but God didn't complain even once.)Me? Oh, I'm not sick or inside a whale at all. Frankly, I don't even like fish.No, for me it's more like not calling someone back. At

2009-01-05T14:37:00.002-05:00

Things That Were At My Sweet 16 Birthday Party:1) Cake2) Ice cream3) A recording of "Phantom of the Opera"4) 10 friendsThings That Were At My Student's Sweet 16 Birthday Party:1) Cupcakes2) Ice cream3) Dancing transvestites4) Ice sculptures of Buddha5) 400 people6) Gloria Gainor singing "I Will Survive" (for realsies)These times, they are a'changin.

2008-12-21T15:04:00.002-05:00

Back in 1628, before there were computers or I-pods or sarcasm, people could hardly imagine the miracle that is flight. Even by using every single part of their brain, they could not envision the fact that a girl named Jill Twiss can now, in 2008, get from New York City to Custer, South Dakota in ONLY TWENTY-ONE HOURS.Yes, that's true folks. Due to miraculous technological innovations, this

2008-12-16T22:29:00.002-05:00

Things I Want For Christmas:1) A dishonest maid. I've thought about this, and I've decided that I so desperately want someone else to clean my apartment, that I wouldn't even mind if it was the kind of person that stole stuff. In fact, it might be better if they stole stuff. That would mean less stuff to be cleaned. A certain win-win.Unless she stole cleaning products.2) Opera lessons for my

2008-12-06T20:38:00.003-05:00

I just learned that dynamite is made from peanuts.Is this a thing that everybody knew and no one wanted to tell me? Were all my friends sitting around at parties discussing the peanut-dynamite phenomenon but becoming awkwardly silent the second I walked into the room?"Don't tell Jill about the dynamite," they would whisper. "And the peanuts. She can't take it. It will BLOW HER MIND!!!"(pun not

2008-12-03T22:32:00.003-05:00

Guess who has a new computer?John McCain was a good guess. I'll give you that.But no, the slightly-more-correct answer is me. Jill Jessica Twiss. The girl who, just a few short days ago, did NOT have a computer. At least not one that did things.No wait. That's not fair. My old computer did do things. It held drinks in an upright position without spilling them even once. It took up space on my

2008-11-12T18:12:00.002-05:00

(Sigh.....computer still broken. Actually dead now, not just broken. So I have to buy a NEW computer and I'm TERRIBLE at buying anything where there are more than two choices. So it's taking weeks. And I'm not blogging. It's possible that this makes me a bad person. However, here is a little something. I know it's not much.)The U.S. Senate race in Minnesota is tight. So tight that, if

2008-10-28T18:37:00.002-04:00

File this under "Things That Make Me Want To Stab Myself In The Head."Remember A.I.G.? They're the insurance company that was in such dire straits that we had to loan them over $100 billion in taxpayer funds so they wouldn't go bankrupt. You know, because if we didn't give them that money (and forgive me if I'm not getting the technical financial terminology right), America would explode.The

2008-10-15T19:54:00.000-04:00

Before the debate, can we just get one thing out of the way? The candidates love America. Seriously, they LOVE it. Our presidential candidates love America almost as much as they support the troops which, as they make abundantly clear about thirty-seven thousand times a day, is a LOT.They love America so much that if one of the debate questions tonight is, "If you love America so much, why

2008-10-15T19:53:00.000-04:00

Vice President Dick Cheney is taken to the hospital for irregular heartbeats on the very same day that former First Lady, Nancy Reagan is hospitalized for a broken pelvis.Coincidence? Or the painful aftermath of wild geriatric Republican sex.You be the judge.

2008-10-14T20:56:00.002-04:00

This time it's not my fault.Usually when I don't write in my blog its because I'm lazy or I've run out of ideas or there is an "Iron Chef" marathon on the Food Network.But this time it's because my computer is broken. It won't even turn on. It just sits, staring at me sadly, having been demoted from the position of "Most Important Machine in Jill's Life" to "Excellent Place to Set Drinks."So I

2008-09-26T00:06:00.002-04:00

A LETTER TO TWENTY-MINUTES-AGO-JILL-TWISS:Dear TMAJT,Here is a thing I would not do if I were you (which I am. Or, rather, I was. Twenty minutes ago. Now I am an entirely different person, vastly more mature and with the sort of insight that only comes with age):Whilst baiting a mousetrap with an eensy little piece of cheese, I would probably avoid leaving the GIANT REMAINING PIECE OF CHEESE

2008-09-25T00:13:00.003-04:00

I read an article that said that several football players are donating their brains to science.This makes a lot of sense to me.Like my mother always said when I was deciding which clothes to give to the Salvation Army, "If you haven't used it for at least a year, go ahead and donate it."

2008-09-21T23:52:00.000-04:00

I walked by a No Trespassing sign today that had the following warning:Violators Will Be Prosecuted to the Full Extent of the LawThe mere existence of this sign means that someone, somewhere, only wants to prosecute criminals to the partial extent of the law: "Oh no, your honor. We're not interested in the death penalty. Could you just maim him a little?"Or, "You have the right to remain."

2008-09-18T13:03:00.002-04:00

Dear People-Who-Know-Stuff,There is a MOUSE in my apartment.He is gray and small and cute as a (mouse-shaped) button. He has adorable little whiskers and can scrunch and wrinkle his nose with the best of them. I don't even think he runs, so much as skedaddles.Adorable.And, just to be clear, if I were to meet him in a coloring book or a Disney cartoon or a strange song about stabbing the

2008-09-08T00:20:00.002-04:00

How NOT to Get Cast in a Children's Theatre Showby Jill "Still Tactful" TwissCasting director: So Jill, do you have any questions about the show?Jill: I do. Is there nudity?CD: Errrrr......Jill, this is a show for children.Jill: Oh I know. So is there nudity?CD: No.Jill: But you're still in rewrites, right?CD: Well, yes.Jill: Awesome.Some people have no sense of humor.

2008-09-05T13:54:00.002-04:00

Stop the presses!Errrr.....if you have presses, that is.I mean, don't go out and GET presses just so you can stop them. Because you'll probably never use them again. And then you'll be stuck with presses taking up space in your closet for months and months until you finally put an ad on Craigslist for "Gently Used Presses--Only Stopped Once" and it will be all my fault.ANYWAY. All I'm saying

2008-08-30T05:03:00.001-04:00

I don't have too much of a problem with the fact that one of our vice-presidential candidates has only a year and a half of experience as the governor of a fairly unpopulated state.I don't even really have a problem with the fact that her husband works for the oil companies in a time when our country should be searching for alternative energy.And I have no problem at all with the fact that her 17

2008-08-25T15:38:00.003-04:00

HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE:by Jill "Tactful" TwissHere is a thing I know from Miss Manners: When introducing someone to a different someone, you should do it by presenting an interesting fact about each of the someones. For example:"Jenny, this is Bill. He is an architect and an avid birdwatcher.""And Bill, this is Jenny. Jenny invented toast and is known for her wild antics at

2008-08-25T02:12:00.002-04:00

A strange fact:I am neither a stripper nor a drag queen, and yet I just found a sequin in my navel.Curious.

2008-08-22T11:25:00.002-04:00

I mean, I know you'll never believe anything I say after my last post......But today's my birthday. For realsies.I won't tell you how old I am.But the Olympic committee insists that I'm at least sixteen.

2008-08-19T23:50:00.002-04:00

I've done a bad thing. A bad, bad thing. Seriously. Bad.I lied to a CHILD.I'm pretty sure that, next to kicking puppies or watching four episodes of "Gossip Girl," lying to children is about the worst thing you can do. Now to be fair, I didn't mean to lie to this child. It was purely accidental and my intentions were good. But you know what they say, "The road to hell is paved with reasons

2008-07-22T16:31:00.001-04:00

Am I the only one that hopes that High School Musical 4 is set at Columbine?I thought so.

2008-07-17T18:16:00.002-04:00

I'm obsessed with grammar and my friends know it.When they really want to irritate me, my friends will say things like, "Between you and me...." or "Him and I went to the store" and then laugh and laugh.So I really shouldn't have been surprised, then, when my friend John came up to me yesterday and said, "Hey Jill. Just so you know, my favorite band is The Whom."Sigh....

2008-07-11T14:55:00.002-04:00

I would like to write a sequel to Everyone Poops entitled, You're The Only One Who Poops.Then I'd give it to little paranoid children and tell them that the publisher only printed one copy.

2008-07-03T18:32:00.002-04:00

It's possible that I have strep throat. Or perhaps the bronchitis has returned.My money's on SARS.The good news is that I've discovered Chloraseptic which numbs my entire throat whilst I sing onstage.The bad news is, they don't have Chloraseptic for the soul.I've checked.

2008-06-25T14:46:00.002-04:00

Sometimes when I'm in the chorus of a musical, I secretly dream of playing the leading role (and by "sometimes," I mean "always.") I say things to myself like, "If *I* were playing that part, I would sing better/get more laughs/do it in Pig Latin/take off my pants," and I lament the fact that the world will never see my brilliance because the director didn't have the good sense to cast me as the

2008-05-29T23:29:00.002-04:00

Overheard today:"I mean it's not that I'm a vegetarian. I just don't eat meat."I can only assume that she's also not a procrastinator; she just puts things off.Oh, and she's not a waitress. She just serves food to people at strategically placed tables in hopes that they will give her tips.People are exhausting.(You and I are both aware that I haven't been writing much lately, right friends?

2008-05-17T00:54:00.002-04:00

If a stupid girl says something idiotic in the woods, and no one is around to blog about it sarcastically, will karma still cause her to get hit by a bus ?I only ask because I overheard this whilst in an elevator the other day:"Yeah, so my teacher was talking about, like, how they're really poor in India and how even the kids have to work an do really hard labor....""...And, of course, I totally

2008-05-02T01:11:00.002-04:00

I need a hug.No, nothing's wrong. I'm FINE.It's just that sometimes, well, when you haven't dated anyone in a while....(I just mean hypothetically, of course. Me? Oh, I date constantly. And hug right and left. It's really remarkable that I don't chafe from all the hugging.")...well, anyway, IF you haven't dated in a while, it's possible that you could be suffering from lack of hugs. And

2008-04-28T02:08:00.000-04:00

According to this, the state legislature in Florida is considering manufacturing Christian license plates. The plates will have a cross, a stained glass window, and the words, "I Believe.""Hi Church? I'd like to introduce you to my friend, State.""State, I want you to meet Church.""I have a feeling you two will be spending a lot of time together."

2008-04-24T00:49:00.000-04:00

My local supermarket is having a sale: Buy Three, Get One Free.....on Mother's Day cards.That may be the clearest statement about our society that I've heard in a long time.

2008-04-15T00:42:00.000-04:00

A real-life excerpt from the sheriff's log of my hometown newspaper, The Custer Chronicle:April 3 2:17pm:An anonymous male called to report that "some fellows over at the basketball court need straightening out." A deputy checked the Custer basketball court, but found no one who seemed to need any straightening.I am riveted by this account. It leaves so many unanswered questions. Here's how

2008-04-04T01:26:00.003-04:00

Google thinks I'm a terrible person.See, every once in a while, I write jokes for this other website. The website forces me to title those jokes, which I do by describing the topic of the joke at hand. Google then uses those titles, along with my name, to file the jokes in a splendidly orderish manner onto the interweb.Genius.Well, except that I discovered THIS title whilst googling myself the

2008-03-31T01:48:00.002-04:00

Recap: When we last left Jill's dad, he had just shared with the family his decision to walk across South Dakota. The state.It's hard, I think, to pinpoint exactly where the crazy starts.It's not just the fact that my father walked across South Dakota. It's more the fact that he walked across South Dakota for no reason.No no. That's not quite right. It's not just the fact that he walked

2008-03-26T03:20:00.002-04:00

Things I learned today:1) When a dentist is so confident in his abilities that he watches Good Morning America whilst performing a root canal on your tooth, there is a good chance you're going to end up in pain.2) Even if you have the best comedy set EVER, if you are performing at a gay club, a drag queen singing "I Will Survive" will always get more applause than you.3) Glitter is hard to wash

2008-03-24T00:06:00.006-04:00

I just joined a new gym.Not surprisingly, I have concerns:1) When I signed up for the gym, I got a free t-shirt. The lady at the desk informed me that the t-shirts only come in extra large.That, I think, does not bode well for the effectiveness of the gym.2) The gym has an entire row of handicapped parking at the front of the parking lot. The gym itself is on the second floor.Who, I ask, are

2008-03-18T23:44:00.002-04:00

Imagine being twenty-three years old, still under the illusion that your parents are sane, and receiving THIS phone call one Saturday morning: Me: Hello? Dad: Hey, it’s Dad. I’m going to walk across South Dakota.Now let’s just pause here for a moment. Let it sink in a little, if you will. South Dakota, for those of you that are unaware, is a state. Of land, not of mind. Now

2008-03-17T00:00:00.000-04:00

My voice teacher informed me today that I have beautiful hands and he thinks I should be a hand model. Which, I suppose, tells you a lot about what he thinks of my singing….

2008-03-13T01:20:00.003-04:00

Sometimes, late at night, I worry about underachieving kanga-babies.When they can't get a job after college, do they have to return to the pouch?

2008-03-10T21:43:00.002-04:00

People Who Have Theorems:1) Pythagoras2) Descartes3) That girl from "The Wonder Years"**People Who Do Not Have Theorems:1) MePeople Who Want a Damn Theorem:1) MePossibilities I Am Considering for the Twiss Theorem:1) IF Person A spends a lot to time with Person B, AND Persons A and B get along splendidly, AND Persons A and B seem to have a mutual attraction, AND Person A is Jill

2008-03-06T00:59:00.000-05:00

(This is an article I wrote months ago in response to this article. I never posted it, because it seemed a little, well, whiny. But the issue comes up again and again, so I thought I'd post the article here. Oh, and the google part. Not quite true anymore. Score one for us.) WHY MEN AREN’T FUNNYMen, as a gender, are not funny. Please don’t pretend not to know what I’m talking about.

2008-03-03T01:00:00.001-05:00

An Ohio kindergartener was suspended from school this week for having a Mowhawk haircut, which his mother claimed was the boy’s way of expressing his individuality. Administrative officials responded by saying, “At our educational facilities, we prefer that students express their individuality through school-shootings.”

2008-03-01T13:03:00.001-05:00

My apartment floor is HOT. I do not mean that in the complimentary way. When you say, “Man, that girl is HOT,” you probably do not mean that she burns your feet if you don’t wear thick socks when you walk on her. Or if you do mean that, then I would not like to know about it. I have deduced two possible reasons for the hotness of my floor: 1)