LOGAINNE MONOLOGUE 7 -- 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee

This bee is about as misguided as Republican Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney’s refusal to release his tax returns.  Ladies and gentlemen, this incident is exactly like the time when I, Logainne Schwartzandgrubinierre,  refused to show my Dads my second grade report card.  I said, “It’s fine Dads.  Remember how good my FIRST grade report card was and how great my THIRD grade report card will probably be?  Can’t you just trust me Dads?”  And my Dan Dad said, “Logainne if you didn’t have anything to hide then you would show us that report card.”  And my Carl dad said he was taking away my Hillary Clinton bobblehead doll until I showed them my grades.  Sure enough I had gotten a B- in science because I ate too many skittles and threw up right on top of Emile Wasser-Brown’s science fair project.

I submit that the case is similar with Mr. Romney.  Other presidents have inspired the nation with speeches like “We have nothing to fear but fear itself,” and “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country” Is our next president’s battle cry really going to be:  “I promise.  I’ve never paid less than a 13% tax rate.”

So Mr. Romney I say to you, if you’ve vomited all over the United States of America’s science project, we have the right to know!!!

LOGAINNE MONOLOGUE 6 --25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee

This bee is about as misguided as Mitt Romney choosing Paul Ryan as his running mate. Upon hearing the news, my Dan Dad said he wasn’t sure whether he was more upset about that or Miley Cyrus’s new haircut, but either way he was spending the evening in his room watching reruns of The Golden Girls.   Mister Ryan has firmly supported laws that could criminalize all abortions and some forms of birth control.  After hearing that, my Carl Dad said that not only does he believe that birth control should be legal, but for politicians like Mr. Ryan it should be mandatory.  My Carl Dad also says that any candidate who calls Ayn Rand his hero could probably be convinced to legalize abortion if you told him it would only be used on poor people who were already born.

As for me?  I think that both my dads should stop bringing up these sorts of conversations at Thanksgiving or my Nana will probably abort her dinner all over the dining room table.  My Nana is so anti-abortion, she says won’t even eat baby carrots…just in case.  Personally,  I am deeply suspicious of a vice-presidential candidate who looks like he could be a cast member on Glee, yet does not support gay marriage or adoption.  In short, as the proud daughter of two gay fathers and  as someone who is vegetarian because I am against animal cruelty but still eats eggs because I am pro-choice, I do not believe that the Romney- Ryan ticket has my best interests at heart.

LOGAINNE MONOLOGUE 5 --25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee

This bee is about as upsetting as Mitt Romney choosing  Paul Ryan as his running mate. How on earth was this choice made?  Was Scrooge McDuck unavailable for the position?  Mister Romney announced his VP pick in front of a battleship today, which my Dan Dad says is the same setting where former President George W. Bush announced that the war in Iraq was over approximately 9 years before the war in Iraq was, in fact, over. Upon hearing that Paul Ryan was Romney‘s pick, my Carl dad said, “How they managed to find a straight, rich, white male in the Republican party is beyond me.”  He also said that if you were to make a Venn diagram of  people at parties who say that they have black friends but do not actually have black friends and Republicans, it would be one circle.

As for me?  As the proud daughter of two gay fathers, I am concerned about someone who poses in front of a battleship while still insisting that openly gay people like my dads should not be allowed to serve  in the military. And as someone with extensive blood sugar issues, I cannot in good conscience support a vice president who wants to dismantle medicare.  In this Olympic year, ladies and gentlemen,  I submit that the Romney-Ryan ticket does not have my best interests in mind and should take the silver medal.

LOGAINNE MONOLOGUE 4 --25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee

This bee is about as misguided as the Boy Scouts of America and their decision not to allow homosexual scouts or troop leaders.  President Obama’s statement yesterday that he opposes the Scouts’ ban on gays was a cause for celebration in the Schwartzandgrubinierre household last night.  My Dan dad says that any group who has badges for basket making, theater, and leatherwork is going to get some gay members whether it likes  it or not.  My Carl dad says he should have known that the Scouts didn’t have any gay people in charge as soon as he realized they’re still insisting on wearing top to bottom khaki and it is no longer 1996. As for me? As a proud daughter of two gay dads, I think that any organization that spends that much of its time talking about the sex lives of children has a few issues of its own to deal with before they get involved in the personal lives of their members and troop leaders.

Personally I think, at a time when all-american straight country music star Randy Travis has been found drunk, naked, and threatening to kill police officers, we should stop worrying so much about things like whether or not my Dan Dad should be allowed to make an honest man of my Carl Dad.  Homosexuality or country music? Who’s the real enemy here?

LOGAINNE MONOLOGUE 3 (Not Used) -- 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee

This Bee is about as misguided as the current New Hampshire state legislature.  The state House of Representatives passed a bill requiring doctors to tell pregnant women that abortion causes breast cancer.  You know who doesn’t think abortion causes breast cancer?  The American Cancer Society AND the World Health Organization.  My Carl dad says, call him crazy,  but  he prefers to take cancer advice from organizations with the word “cancer” or “health” in the title instead of from guys in suits who weren’t rich enough to get elected to real congress.

The legislation cites studies that say that every year a woman doesn’t have a full-term pregnancy, her odds of getting breast cancer increase by 3%.  So by that logic, girls should be forced to have their first baby at the age of 12 and, frankly, with all the stress of preparing for my bat mitzvah, starting junior high, and learning long division, I just don’t have TIME to raise a child.

LOGAINNE MONOLOGUE 2 -- 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee

This Bee is about as misguided as Chick-Fil-A President Dan Cathy’s views on gay marriage.  Last month Mister Cathy was quoted as saying that people who support gay marriage are “inviting God’s judgment on our nation.”  I, for one, think that God has bigger things to worry about. For example, the fact that Justin Bieber, an excellent singer and lesbian icon of our era, hasn’t won a single grammy award.  How is that possible?

Anyway, as someone with extensive blood sugar issues, I recognize the importance of tasty food, but cannot condone a restaurant who believes that my Dan Dad shouldn’t be allowed to make an honest man of my Carl Dad.  I just can’t.

LOGAINNE MONOLOGUE 1--25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee

This Bee is about as confusing to me as this year's summer Olympics.  What is going on there?  The fact that Michael Phelps didn’t even medal in the 400 meter individual medley sent shockwaves through the Schwartzandgrubenierre household.  My Dan Dad says  that when Phelps stopped smoking marijuana, his swimming went to hell.  My Dan Dad says he sometimes smokes medicinal marijana for his back pain, but my Carl Dad says he really does it to keep Doritos in business and convince himself that Bob Marley’s songs don't all sound exactly the same.