THE TONY AWARDS: Or, The Only Place I Know Where People Crowd-Surf In Evening Gowns
8:14pm: The opening number has Patti LuPone mowing lawns. Great. Now Mitt Romney will probably check her immigration status.
8:21pm: Martin Lowe has exactly the hair I'd expect an orchestrator to have.
8:27pm: I think we're all watching Two-Beer-Amanda-Seyfried.
8:32pm: LITTLE KNOWN FACT: Bernadette Peters has sold her soul to Newt Gingrich for the ability to never age. Totes worth it.
8:37pm: 1) Gluten 2) The smell of freshly brewed coffee 3) Kittens #ThingsIWouldGiveUpForADayWithDannyBurstein
8:41pm: "Maybe if we put giant buildings moving behind them, no one will notice this is a terrible show" -- set designer of "Ghost."
8:43pm: What if the winner for best direction of a musical went to "South-East"?
8:44pm: "Oh wait, he MIGHT be straight. He's European." --unnamed person at my Tony get-together #MaybeMe
8:46pm: "Last time I was onstage here, I won a pie-eating contest." God, if they gave Tonys for pie-eating, I'd be WAYYY more likely to win one.
8:52pm: "Sir, you just lost your Tony category. Now put on these extremely tight pants, and belt a high B-natural."
9:00pm: "I'm so honored to be here tonight, I've decided to only cover my breasts with bitsy little flowers." --Jessica Chastain
9:06pm: This is a little bit like when your drunk uncle decides to do showtunes at the family reunion. #MatthewBroderick #StayAwayFromYourNieces
9:17pm: "Additionally, I am thrilled to say that I cannot move my face." --Ellen Barkin. I think she thinks she's smiling.
9:20pm: Hadn't realized that every sitcom star from 1983 had a Tony nomination this year.
9:27pm: With Hunter and Sutton and now the Keenan-Bolgers, I'm starting to realize my parents screwed my career by making me an only child. #MyImaginarySisterWonATony
9:32pm: "We're gonna go out on a limb here and choose the only score that isn't from a straight play." --Tony voters in the best musical score category
9:35pm: Don't worry. That's a real baby, but they drugged it so it won't cry. #BenadrylIsNotJustForMeth
9:43pm: Of course Tyler Perry is presenting Best Revival. Every movie he's ever written is a revival of every other movie he's ever written.
9:45pm: Next revival let's recast the Loman family with the Lohan family #DeathOfABadActress
9:52pm: "Sure Cristin, you're totes in the Tonys number. But it's the weird staring song and the audience will probably think you had a stroke." #GoodNewsBadNews
9:57pm: Don't want to insult the upcoming "Hairspray" cruise ship performance, but I will say that now might be a good time for a revival of "Titanic."
10:12pm: Apparently the unstated theme of this year's Tonys is "Women Wandering Silently Whilst Men Sing And Dance Around Them" #Once #Evita #Newsies
10:14pm: Wait, did someone revive "Up With People" without telling me? #Godspell
10:18pm: I was rooting for "Follies" but I'm glad "Porgy and Bess" won so I could see that bow-tie. #PorgyAndColonelSanders
10:24pm: I refuse to watch a version of "Hairspray" where Tracy Turnblad does not have cankles!
10:25pm: Wait. WAIT. Can we please acknowledge the fact that a woman just CROWD-SURFED at the Tony Awards??
10:39pm: If you win a Tony and no one in your family recently died of cancer, expect to be cut off in the middle of your acceptance speech #TonyRules
10:54pm: Wow, Nina Arianda is alarmingly thin. Imagine she will be playing Tracy on Royal Carribean's "Hairspray" cruise next year.
10:58pm: It's just so refreshing to hear an actress thank your rapist. #AudraClassyMcDonald #TonysOver
