THE LAST REPUBLICAN DEBATE: or "Why Obama Kills Babies But It Doesn't Matter Because We'll All Die in His Nuclear Kenyan War Anyway"

7:59pm: Before the debate starts, let's have a moment of silence for our fallen GOP candidates

8:00pm: Michele Bachman, who's at home hypnotizing the gay out of her homosexual husband.....

8:01pm: ...Herman Cain who is, at this very moment, trying to pass off molesting a female employee as “grabbing the remote...”

8:04pm: ...And finally Rick Perry, sitting quietly at N***head ranch trying to figure out how to make the microwave broadcast tv shows

8:06pm: Newt Gingrich is wearing a purple tie because he hates America. I wonder which one of his wives picked it out.

8:17pm: Romney keeps saying he “served in the Olympics” like it's the Army. This is not a "back in 'Nam" story, Sir

8:19pm: Ron Paul: “I called Santorum fake because he's fake.” Oh, if the whole election were like this, voting would be a lot easier.

8:25pm: Pretty sure Romney just said he's conservative because he's against cloning. Is this the litmus test now?

8:26pm: Because I,too, am against cloning except in the case of Tom Hanks whom I think we should have more of.

8:28pm: “Are you a good earmark or a bad earmark?” – Dorothy in the first draft of Wizard of Oz

8:29pm: ROMNEY: “Oh, earmarks? I don't actually pay any taxes, so I'm not all that concerned what they go to pay for.”

8:33pm: Gingrich answers every question as though he's telling a story to his grandchildren about their first grandmother

8:38pm: In all fairness, Romney is kind of an expert on the bankruptcy process since he put so many companies through it.

8:43pm: Ron Paul going out on a limb and saying we shouldn't endorse bank-robbers. I say if they have Olympic experience, give 'em a shot

8:48pm: GINGRICH: “Barack Obama killed babies.” No really he said that. That is also a thing I would make up for him to say but also he said it.

8:49pm: Here's how it went: "How do you feel about birth control?" "Obama kills BABIES." Oh

8:50pm: Jeez...after this, Gingrich is NEVER going to choose Obama to run his moon colony

8:54pm: Excited that Newt “Open Marriage” Gingrich is lecturing me about abstinence. Looking forward to Jeffrey Dahmer's lecture on healthy eating

8:58pm: Oh good, I was HOPING someone would bring up Planned Parenthood

8:59pm: Pretty sure the moderator has wandered off to get a beer.

9:02pm: Said it before and I'll say it again: Birth control shouldn't just be legal, for Santorum it should be mandatory

9:04pm: When Romney says “Let's not forget you endorsed me,” to Santorum, it's definitely a sexual euphemism.

9:07pm: Huh. Romney's new plan includes cutting taxes in all tax brackets. Also no longer having schools or roads. Intriguing

9:09pm: Ron Paul reminds me of my grandfather who says “Damn Japs” every time he bumps his head on the door of my parents' Honda Accord

9:13pm: BREAKING: Santorum agrees to legalize abortion, but only on Mexicans who are already born

9:21pm: "Define yourself in one word" -- Gingrich "Well-endowed. Wait, do hyphens count?"

9:24pm: Gingrich: "I'm going to answer your question by naming different ways you can die in the military. EVEN IN A TRUCK."

9:30pm: You can tell that Romney practiced saying "Ahmadinejad" all night at home

9:31pm: I believe Romney just said if we re-elect Obama we will have a nuclear war

9:32pm: Which, by the way, is IMPOSSIBLE because Obama will be WAY too busy murdering babies to have a war

9:41pm: 100 minutes into the debate and we just heard a female voice for the first time

9:46pm: Santorum home-schooled his seven children. I'll just let you all absorb that information without my comment.

9:48pm: The good news is we can all count on seeing Santorum again when his kids compete in the national spelling bee #homeschool

9:53pm: Biggest misconception about you: PAUL: “That I didn't return your hedge clippers. I totes did after using them to threaten those meddling kids”

9:54pm: SANTORUM: "Biggest misconception is that I use magnetic poetry to craft all answers to my questions"

9:55pm: ROMNEY: Biggest misconception is that I only paid 15% in taxes. Please. I paid NO TAXES BITCHES"

10:00pm: SUMMARY: Paul finally ready to go to war with Japanese over Pearl Harbor, Santorum new spelling bee champ, OBAMA KILLS BABIES. Do you know where your children are?