7:59pm: Before the debate starts, let's have a moment of silence for our fallen GOP candidates
8:00pm: Michele Bachman, who's at home hypnotizing the gay out of her homosexual husband.....
8:01pm: ...Herman Cain who is, at this very moment, trying to pass off molesting a female employee as “grabbing the remote...”
8:04pm: ...And finally Rick Perry, sitting quietly at N***head ranch trying to figure out how to make the microwave broadcast tv shows
8:06pm: Newt Gingrich is wearing a purple tie because he hates America. I wonder which one of his wives picked it out.
8:17pm: Romney keeps saying he “served in the Olympics” like it's the Army. This is not a "back in 'Nam" story, Sir
8:19pm: Ron Paul: “I called Santorum fake because he's fake.” Oh, if the whole election were like this, voting would be a lot easier.
8:25pm: Pretty sure Romney just said he's conservative because he's against cloning. Is this the litmus test now?
8:26pm: Because I,too, am against cloning except in the case of Tom Hanks whom I think we should have more of.
8:28pm: “Are you a good earmark or a bad earmark?” – Dorothy in the first draft of Wizard of Oz
8:29pm: ROMNEY: “Oh, earmarks? I don't actually pay any taxes, so I'm not all that concerned what they go to pay for.”
8:33pm: Gingrich answers every question as though he's telling a story to his grandchildren about their first grandmother
8:38pm: In all fairness, Romney is kind of an expert on the bankruptcy process since he put so many companies through it.
8:43pm: Ron Paul going out on a limb and saying we shouldn't endorse bank-robbers. I say if they have Olympic experience, give 'em a shot
8:48pm: GINGRICH: “Barack Obama killed babies.” No really he said that. That is also a thing I would make up for him to say but also he said it.
8:49pm: Here's how it went: "How do you feel about birth control?" "Obama kills BABIES." Oh
8:50pm: Jeez...after this, Gingrich is NEVER going to choose Obama to run his moon colony
8:54pm: Excited that Newt “Open Marriage” Gingrich is lecturing me about abstinence. Looking forward to Jeffrey Dahmer's lecture on healthy eating
8:58pm: Oh good, I was HOPING someone would bring up Planned Parenthood
8:59pm: Pretty sure the moderator has wandered off to get a beer.
9:02pm: Said it before and I'll say it again: Birth control shouldn't just be legal, for Santorum it should be mandatory
9:04pm: When Romney says “Let's not forget you endorsed me,” to Santorum, it's definitely a sexual euphemism.
9:07pm: Huh. Romney's new plan includes cutting taxes in all tax brackets. Also no longer having schools or roads. Intriguing
9:09pm: Ron Paul reminds me of my grandfather who says “Damn Japs” every time he bumps his head on the door of my parents' Honda Accord
9:13pm: BREAKING: Santorum agrees to legalize abortion, but only on Mexicans who are already born
9:21pm: "Define yourself in one word" -- Gingrich "Well-endowed. Wait, do hyphens count?"
9:24pm: Gingrich: "I'm going to answer your question by naming different ways you can die in the military. EVEN IN A TRUCK."
9:30pm: You can tell that Romney practiced saying "Ahmadinejad" all night at home
9:31pm: I believe Romney just said if we re-elect Obama we will have a nuclear war
9:32pm: Which, by the way, is IMPOSSIBLE because Obama will be WAY too busy murdering babies to have a war
9:41pm: 100 minutes into the debate and we just heard a female voice for the first time
9:46pm: Santorum home-schooled his seven children. I'll just let you all absorb that information without my comment.
9:48pm: The good news is we can all count on seeing Santorum again when his kids compete in the national spelling bee #homeschool
9:53pm: Biggest misconception about you: PAUL: “That I didn't return your hedge clippers. I totes did after using them to threaten those meddling kids”
9:54pm: SANTORUM: "Biggest misconception is that I use magnetic poetry to craft all answers to my questions"
9:55pm: ROMNEY: Biggest misconception is that I only paid 15% in taxes. Please. I paid NO TAXES BITCHES"
10:00pm: SUMMARY: Paul finally ready to go to war with Japanese over Pearl Harbor, Santorum new spelling bee champ, OBAMA KILLS BABIES. Do you know where your children are?
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
THE LAST REPUBLICAN DEBATE: or "Why Obama Kills Babies But It Doesn't Matter Because We'll All Die in His Nuclear Kenyan War Anyway"