Last Saturday night when everyone else was off with their "friends" having a "social life," I was sitting at home live-tweeting the Republican primary debate. I watch these things so you don't have to. Here is how it went:

9:01pm: ROMNEY OPENING: "Yes economy is getting better, but coincidentally Obama stabs kittens."


9:05pm: Santorum will totally win the New Hampshire primary, assuming they decide to let maple syrup vote. Fact.


9:09pm: Romney should maybe stop bringing up the Olympics. Bitsy gymnasts do not equal foreign policy experience.


9:10pm: RON PAUL IS NOT WEARING AN AMERICAN FLAG PIN. Terrorists have won.


9:13pm: John Huntsman is so happy to get a question directed at him, I think he might cry.


9:14pm: (Every time a candidate mentions a hard-working relative, I will drink. Fact.


9:17pm: Wait, why does Rick Perry suddenly look like he is on a soap opera? Suspect he shall reveal a long-lost twin before this debate is over.


9:18pm: PERRY: "In Texas we call that hypocrisy.... We also call the electric chair an amusement park right. Texans are wacky."


9:19pm: Can we give John Huntsman some credit for not having a stupid first name, please? Newton? Mitt?


9:20pm: (Am currently drinking a toast to the fact that Mitt's real first name is Willard.)


9:27pm: (Oooh, Newt has a hardworking military father. I drink.)


9:28pm: I don't want him as President, but I'd love to have Ron Paul as a wacky next door neighbor who never returns my hedge clippers


9:33pm: A moment of silence for Michele Bachmann, sitting home watching the debate, eating Ben & Jerrys and draining blood from puppies.


9:40pm: ROMNEY: “In my view we'd go back in time, and instead of Roe v. Wade, we'd just abort all of my opponents.”


9:41pm: I bet Herman Cain and Michele Bachmann are having sex while watching this debate


9:49pm: SANTORUM: “Ideally, I think marriage should be between a woman and a sweater vest”


9:55pm: PERRY: “Since you asked me about 3rd party candidates, let me address gay marriage....”

9:57pm: John Huntsman seems to be an actual human being, and I'm very unclear how to deal with this.


10:01pm: PERRY “I would send troops back into Iraq...because if I took the time to learn where it is, we damn well better keep attacking it”


10:02pm: Perry just said "Iran'll move at literally the speed of light.” So add “literally” to the list of words Rick Perry doesn't understand


10:03pm: Perry wanting to send troops back into Iraq is my favorite. Assume in the next debate, he will invade Vietnam


10:05pm: Hierarchy of candidates according to hair: 1) Romney 2) Perry 3) Santorum 4)Huntsman 5) Gingrich 6) Paul


10:07pm: A Stiff Headwind Called Government would be a good name for a band, Mr. Santorum.


10:15pm: ROMNEY: “We have the right in America to pursue happiness as we choose!” -when speaking about everything except gay marriage


10:34pm: John Huntsman wants to gay-marry China. Or at least civil-union them


10:35pm: John Huntsman just spoke Chinese. Pretty sure Perry thought he was speaking in tongues and tried to exorcise him.


10:40pm: RICK PERRY: “If I wasn't here tonight, I'd be on the shooting range.” Practicing to re-invade Iraq, I assume


10:46: 'Tis over. SUMMARY: Rick Perry invades Vietnam literally. Gingrich, adorable jiggly cheeks.Huntsman speaks in tongues. Santorum sweeps maple syrup vote. I might be drunk.