A brief quiz: A young Croatian man is gleefully masturbating whilst choking himself with a scarf. His unsuspecting mother walks in just before he, ahem, finishes. Does he:

a) Scream, blush, and prepare for the most awkward Thanksgiving dinner conversation ever;

b) Explain his position by informing her that while his neck was very cold indeed, his penis was, in fact, quite warm and thus needed to be exposed. What seemed to be masturbation was clearly just a complex method of temperature regulation.

c) Kill her.

Clearly the answer is "c" or I would not be writing this. Haven't you MET me?

Now I realize that, much like the Holocaust or any Carlos Mencia joke, murder is something that we're not supposed to laugh at. But murders that happen because someone walked in on a twenty-two year old man, errrr, doing his taxes? This feels way less "angry murder" than it does "scene from 'American Pie.'"

So laugh away. Also, for the love of God, LOCK THE DOOR.

Oh dear. It's weird to feel that you owe a bunch of people that you've never met an explanation but, well, here we are.

Well, here I am at least. You might be somewhere else. In fact, now that I think about it, you are definitely somewhere else. If you were here, I probably would have washed my hair today so as to continue the long-held misconception that I have "nice hair." We can't let the internets as a whole figure out that I have average hair.

Oh wait. Unless by "nice," you mean "kind to animals and babies." In which case I totally have nice hair.

So yes. Here I am. In the uncomfortable predicament of having not written in this blog for months and months. You feel that you are owed some sort of an explanation and you might be correct. Yes.

I shall give the explanation in numbered form. That way at the end, I will feel as though I have accomplished something.

1) I had a very very icky patch of sadness because, I think, boys like to make people cry. I can't think of any other explanation as to why they would do some of the terrible things they do otherwise. (Note to people who are going to be pissy about this: I did NOT say that girls do not make people cry. I said that boys do. That is all.) I did not want to write during said sadness-patch, because who wants to read blogs that say "I am saddy sad" over and over and over?

"No one" is the answer to that question.

2) I joined Twitter. Sigh.... I then promptly forgot how to say things that take more than 140 characters.

3) I got the amazing opportunity to submit a writing packet to The Late Show With David Letterman. (Insert joke about interesting timing for a woman to be applying to Letterman here.) That took up about every ounce of funny I had for a few months.

4) I turned into a unicorn and they can't type. Or, rather, it takes FOREVER for them (I mean us) to type with their (our) horns. Twitter is a good medium for unicorns.

5) I got a couple of paid writing jobs. Small ones, not big ones. I just haven't learned how to manage time or balance things. Do other people know how to do this? Could you send me any email detailing how it works, please?

6) I think that might be all the things.

Am I back? I am not sure. But I remain amazed and impressed and honored that any of you even noticed that I wrote and have the faintest idea who I am. I shall try not to take advantage of that fact.

Yes.

FACT 1: Everybody has a sex tape nowadays. If you are a celebrity and you do not yet have a sex tape, you are clearly either a nun or Bob Barker. Maybe both, in which case I anticipate the best revival ever of “The Sound of Music.”

FACT 2: Even with the current influx, the entertainment media is still expected to report on each and every aforementioned sex tape.

FACT 3: America is in a recession. The media cannot afford to pay entertainment writers for the hours necessary to write about every sex tape. They can barely afford to pay for Larry King's plastic surgery.

Thus to save the media both time and money, I have created the following sex-tape news template:

BREAKING NEWS:

In a shocking turn of events, [INSERT NEWS ORGANIZATION] has uncovered the news that [INSERT NAME OF B-LIST CELEBRITY] has made a secret sex tape. According to our sources, the tape depicts her and her [BOYFRIEND/NEIGHBOR/VEGETABLE] in numerous compromising positions. The alarming part about this particular sex tape is her [HYPOCRISY/BODY HAIR/INSISTENCE ON REFERRING TO HER BREASTS AS "THE OLSEN TWINS"]. This news is expected to have great repercussions for her, particularly in relation to her career as a [BEAUTY QUEEN/ASTRONAUT/GOVERNOR OF ALASKA].

Feel free to use the above template the next time [HEIDI MONTAG/ JUDGE JUDY/ELMO] forgets to turn off the camera.