I would be cast in a national tour of a Broadway musical right now if I were taller. Oh, and blonder. And older. Also, if I were an entirely different person.

I mean, I'm pretty sure that's what they were saying.

They thought I was good. Very VERY good, they said. But I was me and they wanted not-me. They wanted tall-blonde-old-Jill-Twiss who is, frankly, not Jill Twiss at all.

Even if I stretch and eat oatmeal.

(NOTE: I do not, in fact, eat oatmeal. Unless you count cookies. I mean, *I* definitely count them as oatmeal. Even chocolate chip cookies should count, really, just for the fact that they could have oatmeal in them. They have oatmeal potential. And Oreos. Because I feel relatively certain that the "O" in "Oreo" stands for Oatmeal. The more I think about it, with all the oatmeal I'm clearly eating every day, I'm pretty sure they should just give me a Quaker hat and stick me on the box.)

Anyway, my point is that if you happen to be the writer or director of a Broadway musical that needs a not-tall-not-blonde-not-old-Jill-Twiss, could you call me?

'Cause I know a girl that's PERFECT for the part.

I learned from Katy Newton that "jumping jacks" are called "star jumps" in the U.K.

I think I shall start my own brand of English-English dictionaries.

It's been coming for a while, friends: Here's the post where you figure out that I don't know anything about computery or internety things. Added, of course, to the long list of OTHER things that I don't know, like "how to make soup" or "the square root of my nose."

You see, in my world, people talk about bloggy things all the time and I nod enthusiastically and smile appreciatively and have no idea what they're talking about. This happens fairly regularly. Thus when, for the first time EVER, I've been "tagged" for something, I feel certain that I'm going to botch it up. Here's what it says to do:

"Go into your photo archive, pick the 4th folder in the archive, select the 4th picture in the folder, and write about it."

First issue: I don't even know what a photo archive is. I know what a photo is. I know what an archive is. I'm gonna guess that a photo archive is the folder that says "Pictures" on my computer. If it's not then you should stop reading now, because you're going to be very disappointed in me.

Second issue: Assuming I guessed right on the photo archive thing, then there are no folders IN my picture folder. None. How can I pick the fourth when there are zero? It's a bit like trying to pick the fourth smartest woman on The Bachelor.

So yes. No idea if it was the right plan or not, but I just picked the fourth photo. I will understand if this blog entry explodes right this minutey-minute and someone knocks on my door and punches me in the face.

It's not the easiest picture in the world to explain, I'm afraid. The animal is a penguin. That's easy enough.

It was a gift. From a boy (a good one.) He and I are inexplicably obsessed with adopting a penguin together. Thus he sent me a penguin. Toy, of course. Practice just in case we ever managed to get a real penguin.

Which is why both of us were so shocked when the toy penguin began writing letters and trying to convince us to buy him a slip-and-slide. His allergy to krill was also a surprise, but a pleasant one in that they do not seem to sell it at Sam's Club and I wasn't sure where to try next.

So yes. That's the picture. Not the fourth one in the fourth folder. But a picture, nevertheless. I do hope I have fulfilled my duty, Greenmantle.

Now I'm off to penguin-proof my apartment.

My friend Suzy is putting on a show next weekend. It is in St. Paul, Minnesota. Or Minneapolis, Minnesota depending on what the kids are calling it nowadays.

Now I know that most of you don't LIVE in St. MinneaPaulis (as I just decided I shall call it from now till eternity or Thursday.) But some of you might very well live there. In fact, I *know* some of you live there because my sitemeter blog location button tells me that you do.

Unless, of course, the person reading my blog that is from St. Paul *is* my friend that is putting on the show. In which case, damnit.

But just in case, I give you this information about the show (for those of you who do NOT live in St. MinneaPaulis, I give you a link to the cast of said show acting out the theme to "The Facts of Life." It's a win-win.):

"The sequel to the sold-out hit show Unexpected Songs, DreamBoys features five talented men singing Broadway songs made famous by the bawdy women of the boards. Popular Twin Cities stage personalities Doug Anderson, Tim Kuehl, Bart Shane Ruf, C. Ryan Shipley, and Paul Whittemore bring a little something extra to timeless classics, diva favorites, and rare gems of the theater.

The show is set in a theater lobby moments before an audition, where each man steadies his nerves and wonders…what if I could audition for Eliza instead of Henry Higgins?

Featuring songs from such hit shows as Wicked, Thoroughly Modern Millie, Little Shop of Horrors, A Chorus Line, and contemporary classics The Wild Party, The Last Five Years, and Light in the Piazza. Expect powerful belting, thoughtful ballads, and a generous dose of gender-bending fun.

Running February 6-22 at the Lowry Lab Theater in downtown St. Paul. For more info, visit www.blueumbrellaproductions.net

Reservations: Call 651-646-2943 or email dreamboys2009@yahoo.com"