FACT 1: Everybody has a sex tape nowadays. If you are a celebrity and you do not yet have a sex tape, you are clearly either a nun or Bob Barker. Maybe both, in which case I anticipate the best revival ever of “The Sound of Music.”

FACT 2: Even with the current influx, the entertainment media is still expected to report on each and every aforementioned sex tape.

FACT 3: America is in a recession. The media cannot afford to pay entertainment writers for the hours necessary to write about every sex tape. They can barely afford to pay for Larry King's plastic surgery.

Thus to save the media both time and money, I have created the following sex-tape news template:

BREAKING NEWS:

In a shocking turn of events, [INSERT NEWS ORGANIZATION] has uncovered the news that [INSERT NAME OF B-LIST CELEBRITY] has made a secret sex tape. According to our sources, the tape depicts her and her [BOYFRIEND/NEIGHBOR/VEGETABLE] in numerous compromising positions. The alarming part about this particular sex tape is her [HYPOCRISY/BODY HAIR/INSISTENCE ON REFERRING TO HER BREASTS AS "THE OLSEN TWINS"]. This news is expected to have great repercussions for her, particularly in relation to her career as a [BEAUTY QUEEN/ASTRONAUT/GOVERNOR OF ALASKA].

Feel free to use the above template the next time [HEIDI MONTAG/ JUDGE JUDY/ELMO] forgets to turn off the camera.