I would be cast in a national tour of a Broadway musical right now if I were taller. Oh, and blonder. And older. Also, if I were an entirely different person.

I mean, I'm pretty sure that's what they were saying.

They thought I was good. Very VERY good, they said. But I was me and they wanted not-me. They wanted tall-blonde-old-Jill-Twiss who is, frankly, not Jill Twiss at all.

Even if I stretch and eat oatmeal.

(NOTE: I do not, in fact, eat oatmeal. Unless you count cookies. I mean, *I* definitely count them as oatmeal. Even chocolate chip cookies should count, really, just for the fact that they could have oatmeal in them. They have oatmeal potential. And Oreos. Because I feel relatively certain that the "O" in "Oreo" stands for Oatmeal. The more I think about it, with all the oatmeal I'm clearly eating every day, I'm pretty sure they should just give me a Quaker hat and stick me on the box.)

Anyway, my point is that if you happen to be the writer or director of a Broadway musical that needs a not-tall-not-blonde-not-old-Jill-Twiss, could you call me?

'Cause I know a girl that's PERFECT for the part.