A LETTER TO TWENTY-MINUTES-AGO-JILL-TWISS:

Dear TMAJT,

Here is a thing I would not do if I were you (which I am. Or, rather, I was. Twenty minutes ago. Now I am an entirely different person, vastly more mature and with the sort of insight that only comes with age):

Whilst baiting a mousetrap with an eensy little piece of cheese, I would probably avoid leaving the GIANT REMAINING PIECE OF CHEESE out on the counter.

Turns out the mouse might actually prefer the latter. Go figure.

Sincerely,

Right-Now-Jill-Twiss

I read an article that said that several football players are donating their brains to science.

This makes a lot of sense to me.

Like my mother always said when I was deciding which clothes to give to the Salvation Army, "If you haven't used it for at least a year, go ahead and donate it."

I walked by a No Trespassing sign today that had the following warning:

Violators Will Be Prosecuted to the Full Extent of the Law

The mere existence of this sign means that someone, somewhere, only wants to prosecute criminals to the partial extent of the law: "Oh no, your honor. We're not interested in the death penalty. Could you just maim him a little?"

Or, "You have the right to remain."

Dear People-Who-Know-Stuff,

There is a MOUSE in my apartment.

He is gray and small and cute as a (mouse-shaped) button. He has adorable little whiskers and can scrunch and wrinkle his nose with the best of them. I don't even think he runs, so much as skedaddles.

Adorable.

And, just to be clear, if I were to meet him in a coloring book or a Disney cartoon or a strange song about stabbing the farmer's wife (you've never seen such a sight in your life,) it would be FINE.

But he is in my apartment and thusly I shall never sleep again.

My mouse-friend and I would welcome advice as to how to make him (I only assume it's a he, since it refuses to clean up after itself) go away from my apartment. I'd prefer not to make him dead in the process and I think he'd concur.

Also if we could get him a part in a Disney cartoon, that would be awesome.

Kisses,

Jill and Mouse-Friend

How NOT to Get Cast in a Children's Theatre Show
by Jill "Still Tactful" Twiss

Casting director: So Jill, do you have any questions about the show?

Jill: I do. Is there nudity?

CD: Errrrr......Jill, this is a show for children.

Jill: Oh I know. So is there nudity?

CD: No.

Jill: But you're still in rewrites, right?

CD: Well, yes.

Jill: Awesome.

Some people have no sense of humor.

Stop the presses!

Errrr.....if you have presses, that is.

I mean, don't go out and GET presses just so you can stop them. Because you'll probably never use them again. And then you'll be stuck with presses taking up space in your closet for months and months until you finally put an ad on Craigslist for "Gently Used Presses--Only Stopped Once" and it will be all my fault.

ANYWAY. All I'm saying is that I found out something very exciting yesterday and I want you all to stop (presses or otherwise) and recognize its awesomeness.

Ready?!?!?

There is a Jewish holiday where you stay up all night and eat cheesecake.

Seriously.

Let's just review that. Staying up all night? Totally one of my favorite things. Eating cheesecake? Even MORE favorite. Like if I had to pick a favorite favorite, it would be eating cheesecake over staying up all night. But that's the sheer GENIUS of this holiday: I can have both.

This leads me to two very important questions:

1) When can I convert?

2) Does this mean that the Golden Girls were Jewish?