I don't have too much of a problem with the fact that one of our vice-presidential candidates has only a year and a half of experience as the governor of a fairly unpopulated state.

I don't even really have a problem with the fact that her husband works for the oil companies in a time when our country should be searching for alternative energy.

And I have no problem at all with the fact that her 17 year old daughter is pregnant.

I do however, have a problem with the fact that Sarah Palin named her children Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, and Trig.

For realsies.

Did she pull these right out of the "1,000 Baby Names That Will Get Your Child Beat Up In The Eighth Grade" book?

And her youngest child? You know, the one born with Down Syndrome?

She named him Trig.

As in, the class that even high school kids whose chromosomes function normally can't pass? That seems a little cruel.

I can only assume that Track only has one leg.

HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE:
by Jill "Tactful" Twiss

Here is a thing I know from Miss Manners:

When introducing someone to a different someone, you should do it by presenting an interesting fact about each of the someones. For example:

"Jenny, this is Bill. He is an architect and an avid birdwatcher."

"And Bill, this is Jenny. Jenny invented toast and is known for her wild antics at the swimming pool."

The problem arises when you don't really know anything about the person you're introducing. When you've only met this person briefly and, due to a very strange conversation, happen to only know one strange fact about him/her.

Which is how I ended up using THIS introduction the other night:

"This is Theresa. She lost her virginity to a Mexican."

Sigh....

It's a wonder I have any friends at all.

A strange fact:

I am neither a stripper nor a drag queen, and yet I just found a sequin in my navel.

Curious.

I mean, I know you'll never believe anything I say after my last post......

But today's my birthday.

For realsies.

I won't tell you how old I am.

But the Olympic committee insists that I'm at least sixteen.

I've done a bad thing. A bad, bad thing. Seriously. Bad.

I lied to a CHILD.

I'm pretty sure that, next to kicking puppies or watching four episodes of "Gossip Girl," lying to children is about the worst thing you can do.

Now to be fair, I didn't mean to lie to this child. It was purely accidental and my intentions were good. But you know what they say, "The road to hell is paved with reasons why Jill is a terrible person for lying to a child."

They do say that, don't they?

Ok, so it started innocently enough. A child asking a question: "Jill, why won't you play volleyball with us?"

See, it SOUNDS like an sweet, innocent question. Especially when it's written in italics and all. But it really went more like this:

"Why won't you play volleyball with us why won't you play volleyball with us why won't you play volleyball with us WHY WON'T YOU PLAY VOLLEYBALL WITH US WHY WON'T YOU PLAY VOLLEYBALL WITH US!??!?!?!!"

So after the one-hundred-seventy-third time the question was asked, I may have told the child that I simply couldn't play volleyball. I may have told the child that it was simply impossible for me to play volleyball.

I may have told the child that I was not able to play volleyball because I was ON THE OLYMPIC VOLLEYBALL TEAM and didn't want to play with him because I feared injury and didn't want to LET DOWN AMERICA.

I may have also told the child that I had qualified for the Olympics in two events: beach volleyball and slalom volleyball. And that I play Scrabble with Michael Phelps. And that he couldn't see me on the tv coverage of the Olympics because there were "union issues."

Yes. I am a terrible person.