According to this, the state legislature in Florida is considering manufacturing Christian license plates. The plates will have a cross, a stained glass window, and the words, "I Believe."

"Hi Church? I'd like to introduce you to my friend, State."

"State, I want you to meet Church."

"I have a feeling you two will be spending a lot of time together."

My local supermarket is having a sale: Buy Three, Get One Free.

....on Mother's Day cards.

That may be the clearest statement about our society that I've heard in a long time.

A real-life excerpt from the sheriff's log of my hometown newspaper, The Custer Chronicle:

April 3 2:17pm:

An anonymous male called to report that "some fellows over at the basketball court need straightening out." A deputy checked the Custer basketball court, but found no one who seemed to need any straightening.

I am riveted by this account. It leaves so many unanswered questions. Here's how I imagine that it all went down:

Sheriff: Hello, Sheriff's office.

Anonymous: Hello Sheriff. I'm calling to tell you about some fellows over at the basketball court...."

Sheriff: Fellows? Where are you calling from? 1953?

Anonymous: That was mean. Maybe I meant "teaching fellows." Did you ever think of that?

Sheriff: You're right. Did you mean teaching fellows?

Anonymous: Well, no. I'm an old soul. I refer to capris as "patio pants." Oh, and once I called my girlfriend "the bees knees."

Sheriff: Is she still your girlfriend?

Anonymous: No.

Sheriff: I thought so. Who is this anyway?

Anonymous: I can't tell you. I wish to remain anonymous.

Sheriff: I see. Well, "anonymous," we live in a town of 1500 people. You think I'm not gonna find out the name of the guy whose girlfriend dumped him because he talks like he's on Dobie Gillis? Now about those "fellows" at the basketball court....

Anonymous: Oh yes. I'm calling to tell you that they need straightening out.

Sheriff: "Straightening out"??? What the hell does that mean? Is that like in "Leave It To Beaver" when Ward decides to "straighten out" Wally and Eddie Haskel after they go to the movies without inviting the Beav? Is that what you mean?

Anonymous: Errrr....I think I have to go. [phone clicks]

Sheriff: Hello? Hello?

Google thinks I'm a terrible person.

See, every once in a while, I write jokes for this other website. The website forces me to title those jokes, which I do by describing the topic of the joke at hand. Google then uses those titles, along with my name, to file the jokes in a splendidly orderish manner onto the interweb.

Genius.

Well, except that I discovered THIS title whilst googling myself the other day:

Sudan Teacher Imprisoned by Jill Twiss

Now, just to be clear, I have never once imprisoned a Sudan teacher. Damn you, google!

And it only gets worse, friends. I found this one this morning:

Yet Another School Shooting by Jill Twiss

Sigh....

This is worse, I think. Because not only does it imply that I do school shootings, but that I do so MANY of them that the world is basically BORED by the concept.

"So honey, anything interesting happen in the news today?"

"Eh, not really. Stock market's down. The President did something stupid. Oh, and yet another school shooting by Jill Twiss."

"Again? Jeez..... She should take up yoga."

I'm pretty sure I'm going to title my next joke: A Cure For Cancer Found

...by Jill Twiss.