Things I Want For Christmas:

1) A dishonest maid.

I've thought about this, and I've decided that I so desperately want someone else to clean my apartment, that I wouldn't even mind if it was the kind of person that stole stuff. In fact, it might be better if they stole stuff. That would mean less stuff to be cleaned. A certain win-win.

Unless she stole cleaning products.

2) Opera lessons for my building's maintenance men.

Here's my theory: All the opera singers I know are constantly worried about damaging their lovely opera vocal chords. To take care of their lovely opera vocal chords, they drink scads of honey, wear dramatic scarves, and never ever yell. Ever. The maintenance men in my building, on the other hand, yell ALL the time. Particularly at 7am. Particularly on mornings where I went to bed at 4am. Particularly right outside my door.

So. We give the maintenance men opera lessons. They stop yelling. Honey sales skyrocket. Happy Jill. Happy maintenance men. Happy bees.

3) Illiteracy

If people can't read then they can't write. If they can't write, then they can't text message. If they can't text message, they can't text message whilst I'm onstage doing stand-up comedy. If they can't text message whilst I'm onstage doing stand-up comedy, I will not be forced to publicly humiliate them until they leave crying and get deydrated and die. Win-win. Again.

To be continued.....