Guess who has a new computer?

John McCain was a good guess. I'll give you that.

But no, the slightly-more-correct answer is me. Jill Jessica Twiss. The girl who, just a few short days ago, did NOT have a computer. At least not one that did things.

No wait. That's not fair. My old computer did do things. It held drinks in an upright position without spilling them even once. It took up space on my floor like nobody's business. And every once in a while, it even made very loud fanning noises as though it were about to take off from a helipad.

But now, due to the excellent work of Dell in close partnership with UPS, I have a computer that actually does computer-like things.

Which things? Well I'm not sure, as that we have only had a very short getting-to-know-each-other period and I can tell that this computer is not the kind that reveals all of its secrets on the first date. This is more the kind of computer that you date for months and then will suddenly say, "Did I ever mention that I'm married with four children?" And then I'll say, "What?!?! How could you not tell me that before, computer?" And it will reply, "Well, you never asked."

It's that kind of computer.

Does Dr. Phil have a show for people with computer-trust issues?