I need a hug.

No, nothing's wrong. I'm FINE.

It's just that sometimes, well, when you haven't dated anyone in a while....

(I just mean hypothetically, of course. Me? Oh, I date constantly. And hug right and left. It's really remarkable that I don't chafe from all the hugging.")

...well, anyway, IF you haven't dated in a while, it's possible that you could be suffering from lack of hugs. And holdings. And cuddles.

So I'm just gonna come right out and say it:

I could use some casual cuddling.

Call me a whore if you must. But a girl has needs.

You see friends, casual sex does not seem so hard to come by. You can hire a prostitute or use one of the seven billion websites designated for precisely that purpose. They even have mechanical devices for just such things.

But nobody's invented a plastic, vibrating device that will hold you when you're feeling sad.

So...if anyone happens to know a hugstitute....

Well, it's possible that I'd be willing to pay good money for a cuddle-job.