On a scale of one to malaria, I'm feeling about a six-point-two right now.
Thank you for asking.
Which is, incidentally, significantly better than the eighteen-point-seven that I've been feeling for the past week.
Luckily whilst having the flu (bird or otherwise), I have had time to contemplate the important things in life. And what did I contemplate during those feverishly delusional icky sicktimes?
Why pygmy chimpanzees, of course.
(For those of you playing at home, I imagine you smacking yourself on the forehead: "Of COURSE she was contemplating pygmy chimpanzees. The very FACT that she had not previously contemplated pygmy chimpanzees is nothing short of a miracle." Or maybe you were thinking, "Pygmy chimpanzees? Seriously? I would have staked my life that she was contemplating ice cream sprinkles. Or maybe how to wink in a lovely and suave way without screwing up an entire side of her face so as to look an eensy bit retarded. But pygmy chimpanzees??!! A complete surprise.")
In any case, my contemplation falls into two distinct (but not unrelated) categories which we will explore in some detail (or until I get sleepy and start to feel malarialike again): 1. Their adoreableness. 2. How I need one to live with me in my apartment.
So let's deal with these issues in a systematic fashion. First we shall talk about how pygmy chimpanzees are ADORABLE.
If you combined a cute puppy and that little girl who sang at the Oscars, you would get something that is only half as cute as a pygmy chimpanzee. If you were to combine a kitten sleeping in a flower pot and a baby saying her first words, you would get something only three-quarters as adorable as a pygmy chimpanzee. If you were to combine a bunny sneezing on a flower with a baby bear cub with his face in a honeycomb, and then combine THAT with a cake shaped like a baby duck, you MIGHT get something as cute as a pygmy chimpanzee (if slightly higher in calories.)
Yes, they are cute as buttons, those pygmy chimpanzees. I saw a picture once of these splendid primates (which was the beginning of this period of contemplation and/or obsession) and they were pretty unbearable in their wonderfulness. And you know that the camera adds 15 pounds of not-wonderful, so you can only imagine how cute they MUST be in person (do you say "in person" if it's an animal? Or do you say, "how cute they must be in chimp"? I ponder that.)
So that leads me right to my next point: I need one.
I need a pygmy chimpanzee like the Dickens, friends.
Here are things I would do with a pygmy chimpanzee:
1) Watch it intently whilst saying "Awwwww....." every time it moved.
2) Teach it to fetch.
3) Feed it pygmy bananas.
4) Teach it to tango.
5) Make it sweet little outfits.
6) More things that are cute and nice but I can't think of because I'm sleepy. I said this might happen, you know.
'Night friends. I'm feeling all malaria-esque again.
But better luck in the morning, I think.
If only I had a pygmy monkey to wake me.