A real-life excerpt from the sheriff's log of my hometown newspaper, The Custer Chronicle:

April 3 2:17pm:

An anonymous male called to report that "some fellows over at the basketball court need straightening out." A deputy checked the Custer basketball court, but found no one who seemed to need any straightening.

I am riveted by this account. It leaves so many unanswered questions. Here's how I imagine that it all went down:

Sheriff: Hello, Sheriff's office.

Anonymous: Hello Sheriff. I'm calling to tell you about some fellows over at the basketball court...."

Sheriff: Fellows? Where are you calling from? 1953?

Anonymous: That was mean. Maybe I meant "teaching fellows." Did you ever think of that?

Sheriff: You're right. Did you mean teaching fellows?

Anonymous: Well, no. I'm an old soul. I refer to capris as "patio pants." Oh, and once I called my girlfriend "the bees knees."

Sheriff: Is she still your girlfriend?

Anonymous: No.

Sheriff: I thought so. Who is this anyway?

Anonymous: I can't tell you. I wish to remain anonymous.

Sheriff: I see. Well, "anonymous," we live in a town of 1500 people. You think I'm not gonna find out the name of the guy whose girlfriend dumped him because he talks like he's on Dobie Gillis? Now about those "fellows" at the basketball court....

Anonymous: Oh yes. I'm calling to tell you that they need straightening out.

Sheriff: "Straightening out"??? What the hell does that mean? Is that like in "Leave It To Beaver" when Ward decides to "straighten out" Wally and Eddie Haskel after they go to the movies without inviting the Beav? Is that what you mean?

Anonymous: Errrr....I think I have to go. [phone clicks]

Sheriff: Hello? Hello?