Here is a thing that I definitely would NOT say out loud to a somewhat pompous comedian whom I had just met:

HIM: You know what I hate? I hate it when I have two shows in a night and I tell the same joke. And the first crowd? Well, they LOVE the joke. But the second crowd? They don't even laugh. And I have to say, "What are you? Fuckin' RETARDED?!?!"

ME: Have you considered the possibility that it was the first crowd that was retarded?

Yes, if I were me, that is definitely NOT something that I would say out loud to a another comedian.

Except that I already did.

But in retrospect I wouldn't say it. The me that has a time machine would definitely not say this thing to him.

Errrrr.....

Whoops.