My friend Karen, a splendid marine biologist, informed me of an important rule of working with sea creatures:

RULE: When working with seals, always assume they have herpes.

I like to call it the "How Seals Are Like Actors" axiom.

Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.

It must be a little disconcerting to find out that there are people out there that are more you than you.

I understand, though. There are days I feel sure that, if a casting director sent out a notice for a "Jill Twiss type," I might get a callback but I probably wouldn't get the part.

"Oh sure. You're Jill Twiss. But you're just not Jill Twiss enough. That girl over there? Now she's a Jill Twiss. Have you seen her HAIR???"

So I solemnly vow from here on out to be the Jill-Twissiest Jill Twiss there ever was.

Consider it a New Year's resolution.

Some guy in France wrote a one-hundred thirty page memoir entirely by blinking his left eye.

I, on the other hand, cannot manage to consistently write two blog entries a week.

With my fingers.

And I realize that for you, my blog readers, 'tis probably a disappointment that I am a bit lazylike. After all, with ten fairly good fingers, I should probably be churning out a brilliant blog entry, a novel, and a couple of greeting cards every single day.

But I suspect that my friends and family are probably quite happy about my procrastinatish sensibilities.

Anyone related to me will never once have to hear, "Your sister wrote an entire NOVEL using only her EYE, and you can't even take out the GARBAGE!?!?"

(I wonder how many "pages" the poor man had to "write" before his nurse realized he wasn't just hitting on her.)

In fact, I suspect that anyone in my family, when confronted with one of their own failings, probably says, "Well, at least I don't dance to Cyndi Lauper music in my bedroom instead of doing the dishes and insist on sleeping in a BATMOBILE BED well into adulthood like Jill."

So really my laziness is a kind trait. A generous trait. It's like volunteering for the Peace Corps without actually having to learn a new language or get off the couch.

So friends and family, I just want to say....you're welcome. Consider laziness my Christmas gift to you.

I'll wear a bow if you like.

After years of conflict with the Catholic Church, China ordained two Vatican-approved bishops this week.

Catholicism is a little different in China, in that the altar boys are less afraid of the molestation than the asbestos-laden toys they’ll be given to keep them quiet afterward.

I tutor standardized tests for a living.

I was recently informed by a colleague that a woman had requested an SAT prep program for her FIVE YEAR OLD.

Remember back in the day, when we'd abuse our children the old-fashioned way, by beating them?

Ah, the good old days....