Now that North Korea has a nuclear weapon, everybody’s freaking out. They're all like, “This could lead to war,” and “Nuclear war is terrible!”

Well, I think that all the Gloomy Gusses of the world should take a minute and look on the bright side of nuclear war.

1) Glow sticks eventually run out, but the glow from radioactivity lasts for centuries. After nuclear war, we could have the awesomest rave ever.

2) I've never really been able to speak with pride about the time I live in. But after nuclear war, we will be able to say nostalgic things like, “Remember the good old days of child molestation and school shootings?” It'll be just like "Happy Days."

3) People will be way more tolerant of people with disabilities once every baby has two heads or an extra arm. After nuclear war, every Olympics will be Special.

These are just a few of the many good things about nuclear war.

There. Don't we all feel a little better?

I thought so.