There was a man stopped at the Los Angeles Airport for having pygmy monkeys in his underwear.

I swear to God, that's not a metaphor for anything.

This is not a situation where a terrible, terrible man cheats on his girlfriend and she proceeds to, over drinks with her sympathetic girlfriends, say things like, "Seriously girls, he was so small it was like he had pygmy monkeys in his underwear" whilst giggling knowingly.

That's not what I mean.

Nor is it a situation, where a doctor has said to an uncomfortable man, "Have you experienced any burning or itching?" and he replies, "Oh yeah Doc! It feels like there are pygmy monkeys in my underwear!"

It's not like that either.

No, he really had pygmy monkeys in his underwear.

I just can't get over this.