There are only two possibilities.

EITHER my houseguest is snoring louder than anyone has ever snored in the history of the planet Earth....

OR someone is using a chainsaw to chop up all the furniture in my living room.

Either way, it's gonna be a long night.

Some fancy designers fired Kate Moss from their ad campaigns because she uses cocaine. This story says so.

Kate Moss is a model, in case you were wondering. She's famous to those people who happen to know who models are. Also famous to thin people everywhere who, after looking at her, think they're fat and must subsist on only rhubarb and muscle relaxers.

I find this entire incident terribly shocking and I just want to say that I'm glad that the world has decided to take a STAND on something like this.

Because here in America, we would NEVER allow cocaine users to sell us clothes.

In America we know that drug use is wrong and would not want to give the wrong impression to our children by allowing cocaine users to appear in ads.

No, in America when someone admits to being a cocaine user....

Well, we elect them President.

I think suicide bombings are so last season.

Fascinating when they first came out and all, but let's be honest, aren't they getting a little cliche?

Suicide bombings are, I suspect, like tongue piercings. At first everyone was really impressed in a "dude, that's gotta hurt" kind of way. But, like, now everyone's got a giant pokey metal thing in their tongue and all I want to do is walk around with a giant magnet and drag people around by their tongues.

I may have lost the metaphor in there somewhere. Yes, that seems entirely possible.

So here's what I'm saying:

Suicide bombers--Mohammed, Abdullah, Chip, Harpo, this means you--it's over. It was a blast (pardon the pun) while it lasted but you gotta keep up with the times. And let's be realistic, Allah's probably run out of virgins by now anyway. They are a fairly limited commodity.

You know how they say pink is the new black? Well, I think not-suicide-bombing is the new suicide-bombing.

Suicide bombing? I'm so over it.

Suicide balloon animals on the other hand? That's an idea I could get behind.

I met a fellow blogger this weekend. This blogger, to be precise.

We didn't have sex at all.

Not even a little bit.

We did, however, have pie with bananas on it.

I hate returning champions on Jeopardy. They might start out nice, but by the time they win a few, they get all smug and "look how smart I am" till you just want to make them eat lard until they cry.

Or something.

So I think they should have handicaps on Jeopardy. Just exactly like golf. That way, if a people win more than like five games in a row, the producers would do something to make the game harder for them. Alex Tribeck would be like,

Bob and Alyssa will, of course, be required to phrase their answers in the form of a question. Our returning champion Kurt, however, will be required to phrase his answer in the form of a haiku with accompanying interpretive dance.

Just to be fair, of course.

(Yes, in retrospect, maybe not EXACTLY like golf. But better, I think. Better for mankind.)

I think I'm going to start telling people that I'm a direct descendant of Teddy Roosevelt.

Just for kicks.

I shall demand special discounts and free massages and gift bags and will say things like, "You can't talk that way to a direct descendant of TEDDY ROOSEVELT."

I shall refer to him as "Pappy" in everyday conversation.

I shall give advice like, 'Walk softly and carry a big stick' and expect people to take it quite seriously. And if they don't, I shall punch them. Because that's what I feel that Teddy Roosevelt would do.

When people ask me for identification, I shall just show them a ten-dollar bill and say, "Don't you see the resemblance?"

And some nights I shall stand in front of Mount Rushmore and weep silently whilst wearing a monocle.

It shall be life-altering and splendid.

Also, I know that it's not Teddy Roosevelt on the $10 bill. I do. But I don't look a THING like Alexander Hamilton.

I'm done.

WHY I THINK OFFENSIVE JOKES ARE SOMETIMES OK
a reaction to my comments box
by Jill "comedian to the stars" Twiss

I don't usually write jokes that offend people. Or if I do, I'm more likely to offend them by the sheer stupidity of the joke than by its underlying offensive nature. But every so often I do hit upon a topic that causes some people to want to throw up on my shoes.

And apparently that happened on my last post.

Here are examples of other jokes I've written that have probably offended somebody.

1) So, on one hand, this new strain of AIDS is pretty upsetting. But on the other hand, aren't you just a teensy bit proud of AIDS?

I mean, we all thought AIDS was down for the count. A has-been, really. A disease that had its 15 minutes of fame and was on a downward spiral into oblivion. We all just assumed that AIDS was a one-hit-wonder. But AIDS was working behind the scenes. It was diligently improving itself even though times were tough. Even though no one thought it would pull through.

AIDS is living the American Dream. It overcame adversity, worked hard, and came back even stronger.

I think that AIDS is the new Rocky.

I bet people who think that there's nothing funny about AIDS didn't like this one at all.

2) A TOM SWIFTY:

"It was just a slumber party," Michael Jackson said touchingly.

Probably not at all amusing to Michael Jackson fans.

2) The car that parked in front of me today has a bumper sticker that says, "Elect Jesus King of Your Life."

Do you think Jesus is really interested in running a campaign here? And, if so, don't you think he could come up with better slogans?

Like, Vote For Jesus, or You're Going to Get Hit By a Bus. I think that one would be pretty persuasive.

And his campaign manager would be like, "Well Jesus, you're going to have to play down the whole 'virgin birth' thing. People want sex nowadays. But I think that whole water to wine business could really sell in the urban market. I do."

What I'd like to know is who's running against him?

Probably Al Sharpton.

This was probably offensive lovers of both Jesus and bumper stickers.

Are you getting my point? Or should I say it louder? I do so hate offending anybody. I think comedy is out there to make people laugh and the last thing I want to do is make anybody sad. That being said, I think most anything can offend somebody and I can't spend too much time worrying about who I'm going to offend.

Besides, I don't agree with sentences like, "There's just nothing funny about rape/cancer/Tom Cruise". I think there's something funny about everything.

Two days after I got attacked walking from my car to my apartment, a therapist informed me that I was "trying to hide my pain through jokes." Sure, I probably was. But I'm pretty sure I can't think of anything better to do with pain. I think if you can't make a joke about something, that's when there's really a problem.

So yeah, I won't be taking down the posts that might offend somebody. But thanks for asking.

Oh, and if you're offended by THIS post because it's disgustingly long and sentimental and annoying, well I can understand that. I am a little bit too. Feel free to throw up on my shoes.

Hasn't the Supreme Court, as of late, become just a bit too much like an episode of "Survivor?"

My question is this: What exactly is going on at the Court that's making all the justices want to jump ship at all costs? Even if it means resorting to truly drastic measures like getting cancer and possibly (I'm not ruling anything out) faking your own death?

I've narrowed it down to two possibilities:

Either Scalia has recently acquired really smelly breath, or Ruth Bader Ginsburg has started wearing miniskirts.

Either way, I'll be turning down the nomination, thank you very much.

The dilemma about trying to write comedy when nothing's funny is....well, I guess I just said it. That's the dilemma, you see. Nothing's funny. Too much crappy and not enough sparkly in the world, I say.

But here are some things that make me a little bit happy, even when it seems like not enough ESPECIALLY happy things are happening in the world as of late.

1) Sneezing.

It's like a party in my nose.

2) Puppies in sweaters.

No, I'm just kidding. I hate puppies in sweaters.

If there had to be a natural disaster (and I'm NOT saying there has to be. 80 degrees and sunny all the time would be just fine if you asked me. And a little rain, maybe, between 4 and 6am. I'll even allow rain till eleven. After all, who's up before then, really? Not me. Probably just birds and people making donuts. And birds LIKE rain, I think. And the donuts people would be inside since that's where the donut ovens are, I think.)

But if there HAD to be, I would like it to be the kind of natural disaster that brought a great wind that ripped all the sweaters off of puppies.

Naked puppies, now that's my kind of natural disaster.

3) Pens.

I love pens and hate pencils. That's just the way it is. And you'll never change me.

4) Presents.

Really, this is my way of saying thank you to Jason and Rich who so splendidly sent me birthday presents in the mail that made me very VERY happy. 'Twas the nicest thing ever EVER makes me smile every single time that I think about it. And Rich, I should like to send you an email and thank you personally but, well, I can't find an email address for you.

5) Marshmallows.

They are a versatile item that are useful not only for eating, but also for sticking things together.

My hair would, I think, be an example of a thing that marshmallows stick together splendidly. If, that is, I happened to fall asleep on a marshmallow once and it happened to melt in my hair and I happened to have to cut it out with scissors and have a keen marshmallow-shaped hole in my otherwise lovely hair..... Well, that's really just an example. Not a distressful moment from my childhood even one bit.

Ah yes, marshmallows. They are the glue of the puffy sugar world. What other tasty treat can say that?

There. I'm feeling a TEENSY bit better already.