Well boys and girls, 'tis that time of year again.
And what time of year is that? Well, it's the festive time of year where we write our blog entries whilst high on Thera-Flu. My favorite time of year, really.
That's not quite right.
I meant that it's New Year's Resolution Time.
That is the time of year where we say to ourselves, "This year I'm going to stop eating shards of glass" but then we eat even more shards of glass than before because that's how New Year's Resolutions work. Understand?
Per my tradition, I shan't make New Year's Resolutions for myself because, as usual, I'm not the one screwing up my life.
So here are my Second Annual New Year's Resolutions for Other People:
1) I shall not watch porn during Jill's comedy set this year.
2) Nor will I watch porn during anyone else's comedy set.
3) Nor bring porn to a comedy club.
4) Additionally I shall never ever leave my house.
5) Because I'm clearly socially inept.
1) I shall not fall on Jill's car this year.
2) Easy enough, because I'm dead.
1) I shall magically become a genius and give Jill all the credit.
2) Barring that, I shall do my homework even without Jill having to yell at me.
3) I will understand that she might yell anyway just for kicks.
4) I will understand that "for kicks" might possibly involve actual kicks.
1) Didn't we have this discussion about tsunamis last year?
2) Ok, fine I should have SAID no hurricanes either.
3) Just to cover all my bases, no disasters of any sort this year.
4) Also I shall take Britney Spears off television. I'm God, I can do that.
1) I shall not flood Jill's apartment at all.
2) If I must flood, I shall smell like barrels of gingerbread.
3) But mostly I shall just stay quietly in the pipes as raw sewage should.
4) Or perhaps I shall flood the home of Boy-Who-Watched-Porn-During-Jill's-Comedy-Performance.
5) 'Cause I bet he'll be home.
1) I shall continue to read Jill's blog.
2) Even though she's lazy and doesn't write often enough.
3) I shall write insistent letters to comedy networks telling them to put her on television.
4) So she can have her damn chocolate-fountain party.
5) Also I shall send her gifts like bouquets of Thera-Flu.
I bet I'm the first person in the world to make a New Year's Resolution for raw sewage.
Happy New Year.