FUTURE OLYMPIC EVENTS IN WHICH I COULD WIN THE GOLD MEDAL:

1. Procrastinating doing Dishes: Winnings strategies include alphabetizing things, trying on all of my shoes, and making a table out of plastic bottles.

2. Eating Ice-Cream for Breakfast: The key here is in choice of flavors. Many people will go with "vanilla" but that's simply not breakfasty enough. Flavors like "mint chip" and "butter pecan" are FAR more breakfasty. And if you don't understand why, frankly you don't even have a chance in this event.

3. Making-Out: Oh, I really am quite good. It's a gift.

4. Punching that Dell Computer Guy in the face: Lots of people, I'm sure, attempt to punch him in the face. But the fact that I can do it simply by willing it from my TV screen gives me the added advantage in this event.

5. The javelin

I'll see you all in 2008. Well, maybe 2006. Because I feel that Eating-Ice-Cream-For-Breakfast might be a winter sport.