MY FIRST NOT-FUNNY POST

Let me rephrase that.

MY FIRST PURPOSELY NOT-FUNNY POST

I generally don't like to talk too much about my real-life life on here. At least not unless it's funny. But I haven't written for a few days and I probably won't write for a few more and it's only fair to tell you why, right?

A couple of nights ago, while I was walking from my car to my apartment, I was mugged and assaulted. The man hit me several times in the back of the head and punched me in the face and threatened to stab me and kill me. He then took my money and ran off. Unfortunately, I barely got a look at him and probably will not be able to identify him to the police.

Don't worry, I'm not hurt too bad. Just a lot of bruises and soreness and a giant bump on my head. Oh, and I bit him. Hard. I'm rather proud of that part so I wanted to make sure to tell you.

But I just got a phone call saying that another woman in my building was attacked last night.

So I think I'm going to take a couple days off from writing and maybe just freak out for a while. Maybe hide under my bed.

If you'd like to send cookies or have tea under the bed with me, just let me know.

And I'll be back soon.

I promise.

I like the idea of registering for wedding gifts. I just wish you could register for gifts that you'll actually NEED.

Like marriage counseling.

Or prostitutes.

Some people are against hunting. They think that it's cruel to the animals.

But there are other people who think that hunting is ok as long as you eat the animals that you kill. And I think that makes a lot of sense.

Although, of course, that makes Jeffrey Dahmer seem like not such a bad guy.

(This is from the archives. I, Jill Twiss, am doing dishes today. This is terribly necessary. I finally reached a breaking point when I had to apply butter to my toast with the back end of a spoon.)

I know it's really late notice, but if you're free tonight I'm hosting a show......

Thursday, Nov. 18th at 7pm
PURE LOUNGE
101 7th Avenue South (at Grove street)
Free cover, just buy drinks!

Great comedians. For real. You've seen them on TV and now you can see me kissing up to them live!

THINGS THAT I WOULD ASK FOR IF I WERE A ROCK STAR AND GOT TO ASK FOR STUFF IN MY DRESSING ROOM

--Red Skittles: I like them the best. And purple the worst. But sometimes after I've had too many red skittles, I do enjoy a purple one for variety. So perhaps I would like "Red and purple Skittles in a ratio of 10:1."

--Sixteen kiwis: The fruit. Not the people from New Zealand.

--Bag Balm: Technically it's supposed to be for cow's udders. But I like it for chapped lips.

--Chocolate Milk: And not the crappy 2% either. If you're going to drink chocolate milk, it should be fat-ful. That's my motto.

--A Trampoline: For bouncing.

--Wine: Just slightly more than I ought to drink before I go out and be a rock star.

--The Most Recent Issue of "Vogue": I do not, in fact, read "Vogue" in my spare time. But I would like people to THINK that I read "Vogue" in my spare time. Unless, of course, they've ever seen my closet. In which case they would guess that I do not read "Vogue" in my spare time.

--The Most Recent Issue of "Highlights for Children": I do, in fact, read "Highlights for Children" in my spare time. Which you would guess if you saw my Batmobile bed or the table in my living room that I have fashioned out of plastic bottles.

--Sixteen kiwis: The people from New Zealand. Not the fruit.

Approximately 7.6 billion years ago (you know, back in the age of dinosaurs and when "Saturday Night Live" was still funny), I had a VERY EXCITING CONTEST.

To recap, this was the contest: They reported on the news that Saddam Hussein has been writing poems while he's been in captivity. None of these poems have been released, but they did tell us that one of them was about George Bush. I would like you to write that poem. Extra points for rhyming, I think.

Now admittedly, I have been a little lazy about my blog lately. But you, dear readers, have been even lazier.

There were only two entries to my contest. So they will both receive VERY EXCITING PRIZES mailed to their homes. But I shall not judge which one was better. For I think that they were both spectacular pieces of literature and all the rest of you that aren't going to receive VERY EXCITING PRIZES should be jealous.

The first prize-winner (as opposed to the first-prize winner, because I've decided I'm not going to rank them), is ChumBucket.

I Will Kill Bush

My friends...
I will kill Bush
I promise you that
I am fully aware
I hid like a rat
In a hole on a farm
That's where I was found
Hidden away eating
snickers in the ground
I will Kill Bush
Praise Allah no doubt
They call me a bitch
The guards making rounds
One of these days
I will capture the keys
I am braver than when
They found me in feces
I will kill Bush
You'll just have to trust
Then eat his dog
Even though it now rots
It's better than food
They feed me in here
It's better than rooming
With a man I call snuggle bear
One of these days
I will surely escape
One of these days
I won't smell like an ape
Just give me one shot
One day I can search
I wanna kill Bush
so badly it hurts
I will kill Bush
Believe me I'll try
I have a good plan
to find my way outside
I captured a spoon
To dig through the earth
I hide my progress each day
Behind an Afghan of Rita Hayworth
I will Kill Bush
My moment will come
I will kill Bush
All they feed me is crumbs
When I kill Bush
It will be a great day
I will kill Bush
My roomate is gay
I will kill Bush
For months I have dreamed
Bush will be killed
It is certain it seems
I will kill Bush
My statement is factual
I will kill Bush
I think I'm homosexual

(My favorite part is the rhyme of "factual" and "homosexual." Pure genius.)

And the second prize-winner is Peter (I won't give his last name just in case you love his poem so much that you want to stalk him.)

George Bush
George Bush
Can Kiss My Tush

I refuse to shave
nor will I behave
so he put me in jail
and won't accept the World's Oil as bail.

I'm with those cranky islams
who played with some bombs
and blew all sorts of shit up

So now I got canned
for being a Terrorist Man
And the thought of happy white people makes me want to spit up.

Yay! I like the "shit up" "spit up" rhyme the best, I think.

(I am frankly a little fearful about the google searches that are going to lead to my website after this one. Ah well. Forge on!)

I think if I were running for office, I would seriously consider making out with people to get their votes.

Some people would say that's immoral.

I'd say this: Other politicians kiss babies for votes. I'd just be cutting out the middleman.

i shall, i think, type in all lowercase letters tonight.

this is not an attempt to be ee-cummings-esque. it is an attempt to outwit my keyboard.

this is in response to a decision, made by aforementioned keyboard, that any pressing of the shift key on my part is an indisputable sign that i want everything i write to be in all capital letters till the end of time.

an inaccurate assumption by my keyboard.

i quit.

i'll be back tomorrow. capital letters and all.

If I was John Kerry, I think I would have attempted to do a little bargaining with the President before I conceded the election. Something like:

Ok, I'll tell you what, George. You give me Ohio, and I'll give you....Quebec.

Fair enough?

Oh yeah, it's totally a state. Right next to North Dakota.

No?

OK, this is my final offer: Boardwalk AND Park Place for Ohio. Whaddya think?

Catch Bush on a bad day, and it just might work.

"Rats! Foiled again!"

This morning, John Kerry conceded the election to President Bush.

He did this by calling Bush at the White House.

Call me crazy, but if I was Bush, I wouldn't be giving my Kerry my home number.

If there're a lot of prank calls at the White House in the next few weeks, I think we'll know why.

Sigh.....

I'm all grouchy and nervous about this whole election thing.

And grouchy and nervous very rarely equals funny.

I won't even tell you who I want to win, because who wants another political blog? Not me.

Of course, who wants another entry apologizing for its not-funny-ness? Not me either.

But I will either be in a very good or very bad mood tomorrow night. And either of those things are funnier than grouchy and nervous.

An EENSY bit of funny-ness, though:
I think it would be humorous if whoever loses the election chooses not to accept defeat gracefully. What if, for example, Bush chained himself to the Oval Office and swallowed the key to the White House on national television? That would make me giggle. A wholly worthwhile TV moment, I think.

Oh, one more thing. Happy Birthday, Joe. (He's the boy I've been kissing as of late. So I feel that he deserves a "shout out" on my blog. If I were the kind of person that gives "shout outs" or knew exactly what they are.)