It seems a little cruel to call the gathering after a funeral, the 'wake.' Like you're just flaunting that the dead person isn't going to.

Wake, that is.

I'm cheating on you.

That's right, dear reader, I'm seeing another blog.

I've been asked to write a weekly blog for another site (http://nycgirl.com). My first entry will come out on Monday. But since you are my first love, I will publish it here first.

I hope you'll forgive me for my indiscretion.

It's not you. It's me.

Hi.

I'm Jill.

I'll be your blogger for the evening. Just let me know if you need anything. I do take requests.

A few things you need know about me before we start this relationship:

1) I do stand-up comedy. Sometimes people even pay me. Real life money, too. Not just "all the tequila shots you can drink" (about three.)

Comedy mostly makes me happy, but sometimes it makes me want to kick people in the head.

2) I also teach LSAT courses (The LSAT is the law school entrance exam). Teaching the LSAT mostly makes me want to kick people in the head, but sometimes it makes me happy.3)

3) Here is a link to me playing a carrot in a musical:

http://actingman.fateback.com/peter/DSCF0261.html

(Note: Not, technically, something you NEED to know. Yet I feel that there are not enough pictures of people in carrot costumes in the world. And I feel that it might be my duty as a citizen of this great country to recitify that. And I have. God Bless America.)

Let's see.....comedian? Check. LSAT teacher? Check. Really good-looking carrot? Check.

Yep, I think you know everything you need to know about me.

Now that we got introductions out of the way, we will be on the road to splendidness together, I think. Sparkle-hands for us.

Well, dear reader, it's just you and me against the world.

Want to make out?

I have been rather busy of late. This busy-ness results from activities ranging from embarrassing myself in front of the casting director of Comedy Central's Premium Blend to kissing a boy.

Some of these activities were more fun than others.

Nevertheless, none of them are good excuses for not writing.

A good excuse for not writing would be: I was busy embarrassing myself in front of the casting director for Comedy Central's Premium Blend when both of my hands spontaneously fell off. I attempted to type my blog entries with the stumps that were left of my arms, when an anvil fell on my head and knocked me unconscious. I was in a coma for several days and I am now typing this entry using only my brain waves.

But that is not what happened.

Therefore, since I do not have a good excuse, I feel that I should be punished for not writing. Punished sternly.

For now (since none of you are here to make suggestions), my punishment will be that I must do 10 push-ups for every day that I do not write. Since I can only do about three push-ups without dying, this is a reputable punishment.

But this isn't very creative. I think there are better punishments to be had, really.

So if you have a better punishment for me, leave it in the comments. For I really have no excuse.

The end.

p.s. Aren't you glad I'm back? Tee hee.

I think I am going to have another VERY EXCITING CONTEST. I am.

Now for those of you that missed my last VERY EXCITING CONTEST, you should know that VERY EXCITING CONTESTS are my sneaky way of getting out of writing jokes for a night or two.

But they are also your way of winning a VERY EXCITING PRIZE.

So here's the contest: They reported on the news that Saddam Hussein has been writing poems while he's been in captivity. None of these poems have been released, but they did tell us that one of them was about George Bush. Tee hee.

I would like you to write that poem. Extra points for rhyming, I think.

Email your entries to me at jilltwiss@hotmail.com

The deadline for all entries is midnight on November 4th.

Top three entries will have a VERY EXCITING PRIZE mailed to their house. Yay!

I like Shetland ponies. They stay little and cute no matter how old they get.

I wonder if midgets are just Shetland people.

For some reason, tonight I got to thinking again about that 95 year old woman that I wrote about a few months ago.

http://jilltwiss.blogspot.com/2004_03_14_jilltwiss_archive.html

She had been arrested for hiding crack-cocaine in her prosthetic leg. Apparently she also had cocaine hidden in her wheelchair.

And of course we can't allow that kind of behavior. After all, crack use often leads to violence. Especially when the drug users are members of gangs.

But, I thought, what gang could this wheelchair-bound woman possibly join ?

Then it came to me.

The Crips.

Duh.

The car that parked in front of me today has a bumper sticker that says, Elect Jesus King of Your Life.

Do you think Jesus is really interested in running a campaign here? And, if so, don't you think he could come up with better slogans?

Like, Vote For Jesus, or You're Going to Get Hit By a Bus. I think that one would be pretty persuasive.

And his campaign manager would be like, "Well Jesus, you're going to have to play down the whole 'virgin birth' thing. People want sex nowadays. But I think that whole water to wine business could really sell in the urban market. I do."

What's going to happen if Jesus loses the election for King of My Life? Will he be like a real politician and start running for lesser offices in my life? I'm afraid that soon I'll be seeing bumper stickers saying, Elect Jesus to a Seat on the Chamber of Commerce of Your Life.

What I'd like to know is who's running against Jesus for King of My Life?

Probably Al Sharpton.

My mom's coming to visit this weekend. That's mostly a yay. But it also means that I must clean my apartment diligently. Bye bye to the shards of broken glass on my floor. Bye bye to the leftover chinese food behind the bed.

So, while I'm cleaning, I shall leave you something from the archives. I've revised it slightly since the first time I posted it.

If I were going to hire someone to clean my house, I think the ideal situation would be to hire a former serial killer.

Because they're very meticulous. AND used to cleaning up after themselves.

Ideal, I tell you.

HOW TO BE A BAD AUDIENCE MEMBER
An Essay, by Jill Twiss---Stand Up Comedian to the Stars

Many of us attend comedy shows, hoping desperately to attain the status of Worst Audience Member Ever, but not all of us have the natural talent that it takes.

Fear not, friend. Anyone can be a crappy audience member if they work hard enough. Thusly, I have compiled a few tips to help you get started:

1) Try, at all costs, to make the show about you. The comedians will want to pretend the show is about them, but don't let them get away with it.

Don't let them hog your limelight.

After all, any schmuck can get up to the microphone and tell jokes, but it takes a real talent to yell obnoxious things throughout the show.

2) If it is a female comedian on the stage, by all means suggest that she take off her shirt. That's what she gets for being a girl, after all.

3) Answer no to any question the comedian asks. For example (and this is a real-life example from my show last night):

Jill: So, do you have any children?
Annoying Audience Member: No.
Jill: Ah, well you've babysat before, right?
AAM: No.
Jill: Have you ever met a child?
AAM: No.
Jill: Let's move on.

4) Drink as much as humanly possible during the show. If your friends consider you "a real asshole when you're drunk," all the better.

5) Have a cell phone? Excellent.

Don't turn it off during the show.

If someone calls, do one of two things: either take the call and talk loudly, or ignore the phone entirely and let it ring six or seven times before voicemail picks up. Bonus points if your phone has a really annoying song for its ring.

Note: this is an effective way of being an annoying member of the human race, in general, and of the audience in particular.

These are only a few suggestions. Feel free to take them, combine them, and improvise. I have faith in you. Work hard, persevere, and become The Worst Audience Member Ever. Godspeed.

(I think somewhere in the middle of this post, the tone turned sort of bitter. Oops. But at least it's not another "I just hit myself in the face" post.)

A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FOR THE GOOD OF EVERYONE EVERYWHERE ALWAYS

A thing you should not do, if you were ever going to do it, is this:

Don't get yourself very sleepy and then sit in front of the television with the remote control in your hand.

Because what might happen is that you might fall asleep in front of said television.

And on the television, there might be a terribly loud noise.

And what you might do, when you hear said loud noise, is you might jolt awake rather suddenly and hit yourself in the face with the remote control.

And that might cause your lower lip to swell up to three times its normal size and bleed quite a lot, really. It just might.

So if you were thinking this was a good thing to do, I am here to tell you that it is emphatically not.

So I've heard.

In the ninth grade, I had a crush on two Bens in a row.

The first Ben was on the debate team. One time I had to debate him and, rather than taking notes while he spoke, I proceeded to write "I LOVE BEN" all over the front of my notebook. Needless to say I lost the debate and he ended up dating some girl named Susan.

The second Ben was in my art class. I don't remember anything else about him.

Which leads me to believe that I had a crush on him just so I wouldn't have to change the "I LOVE BEN" that I had written five-thousand times on my notebook.

I was economical even at the age of 14.

I live in fear of the library.

You see, I have three books that are like a year overdue. I have the books. And it's not that I want to KEEP the books. I'm just scared to return them.

The librarians, you see, are kind of mean. They look at me disapprovingly even when I haven't had their books for a year. Like they know that I will keep the books if I ever have the chance (they are not, in fact, entirely incorrect on this issue.) And I live in such fear of their evilness, that I just keep the books.

The books are as follows:

1) "A Lesson Before Dying"--by Ernest J. Gaines
2) "Talking From 9 to 5"--by Deborah Tannen PhD
3) "Cider House Rules"--John Irving

See, they're not even great books. If I were going to choose to steal books, I would have stolen way better library books than this. Like library porn or something.

So if anyone has a suggestion as to a covert way to return the books (and don't suggest a drop-box because my library doesn't have one...don't you think I would have thought of that?), please let me know.

I have to stop running soon. Because librarians always get their man. I'm pretty sure that's their motto.

Either that, or "Shhhhhh."

I read somewhere that pink is the new black.

Which means that "accidentally leaving a red sock in the laundry with my whites" is the new "accidentally leaving a black sock in the laundry with my whites."

I wonder....if the President commits a crime, can he just pardon himself?

And, if so, does he do it by saying, "Pardon me."?

And, if so, do people get confused when he says that after he burps?