FINALLY, I am home. Home, semi-sweet home.

Here is my new favorite joke as written by an 11 year old in my stand-up comedy class:

I am very confused by Britney Spears' song "Baby, Hit Me One More Time."

Is she saying she wants to be hit?

Moreover, is she saying that she wants to be hit by babies???

Tee hee.

Happy Birthday to ME!!!

I am, in fact, 196 years old in dog years.

I would like a puppy please. Or cupcakes.

Is a pony out of the question?

Thank you.

Yet again, I'm traveling upstate next week to teach a splendid stand-up comedy course to stunning comedians who will, hopefully, be able to get me jobs later.

I will have no computer, email, or phone. So I shall not be writing in my blog.

I will, however, THINK lots of funny things during the week. So if you are psychic, just read my mind every time you would have checked my blog.

Fair enough?

It' s late and I've been working millions of hours lately.

So I'll make a deal with you: I'll give you the punchline, and you can write your own joke. Hell, write it in the comments and share it with all of us.

The punchline: THE JEHOVAS WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM

You write diligently. I will sleep. For tonight, dear reader, our roles are reversed.

Ladies and gentlemen, the dorkiest joke I ever wrote:

I'm such an optimist.

Even my blood type is B-Positive.

I did a show in Ohio last year and someone in the audience DIED during the show. Which was rather crummy. For both of us, I think.

Well tonight at the illustrious Boston Comedy Club, I looked out at the audience and this one guy had his eyes closed. My first thought was, of course, how depressing to go onstage at 1am for six people and have one of them sleep through your set.

But then I thought, "WAIT. Maybe he's not asleep at all. Maybe he's DEAD."

At first this worried me immensely. Another person dying in one of my shows? This is terrible.

But then I thought, "Hey wait, maybe that could be my COMEDY GIMMICK."

You know? Like every famous comedian has their comedy gimmick. Jeff Foxworthy has, "You know you're a redneck when....", Jerry Seinfeld has, "Did you ever notice....", Carrot Top has being the most annoying person ever.

Well my comedy gimmick would be:

Go see Jill Twiss and see if you make it out ALIVE...

(imagine this followed by an evil laugh.)

I would make millions.

People would place bets on which person wasn't going to make it through the show. They would buy tickets for their enemies to see my show and then just cross their fingers. It would be a great hit and I would be terribly famous.

But then the guy woke up. Turns out he was just sleeping.

Damnit.

There is a large difference between not being funny on my blog and not being funny onstage. Right now, for instance, I am not being funny on my blog.

Quite not funny, really. Extra specially not funny with a cherry on top.

But you all can just glance at what I wrote, sigh and say, ‘well Jill’s just not funny today’ and move on with your life. You did not have to pay $7 plus a two drink minimum to read my blog. And even if I’m not funny I can’t see you glaring at me, thinking about how very not funny I am and wanting to punch me in the nose.

I had two shows tonight. I was frightenly unfunny in both of them.

Just to keep up the tradition tonight, I’m not going to be funny in my blog either.

So there.

Is it ‘beer before liquor, never been sicker’ or ‘beer after liquor, never been sicker’?

I can never remember.

It should be, “No tequila for Jill ever or she’ll tell you embarassing secrets and then throw up on you.”

Now there’s a saying I can USE.

For those of you that have been following my blog (and the news):

No, I never dated the Governor of New Jersey.

No, I did not turn him gay.

The end.

I think a good recycling idea for Earth Day would be to cut the "B"s off HAPPY BIRTHDAY banners.

Happy Irthday.

Too much work, too little time. For you, my friend, something from the archives. Mwah.

Last night I was procrastinating getting anything at all done and I decided that visiting a chat room might be a good idea. The following is a verbatim conversation that I had:

waliafamily2000 (12:58:07 AM): ur me gf

Jill (12:58:36 AM): Yes. i'd imagine that lines like that work out for you pretty regularly in real life

waliafamily2000 (12:58:58 AM): i love u

Jill(12:59:25 AM): understandably

Jill (12:59:55 AM): as that we've connected so well online and all. love was, i suppose, inevitable.

waliafamily2000 (1:00:13 AM): ya

waliafamily2000 (1:00:17 AM): i love u

Jill (1:00:21 AM): so you said

Jill (1:00:30 AM): not that repeating it makes it any less meaningful

waliafamily2000 (1:00:44 AM): i love u

waliafamily2000 (1:00:44 AM): i love u

waliafamily2000 (1:00:45 AM): i love u

waliafamily2000 (1:00:46 AM): i love u

waliafamily2000 (1:00:55 AM): i love u

Jill(1:01:00 AM): ok, i lied. it is becoming slightly less meaningful

waliafamily2000 (1:01:25 AM): i love you

Jill(1:03:05 AM): ever heard of playing hard to get?

Jill (1:03:09 AM): sadly, i think i'm going to have to end this relationship

waliafamily2000 (1:03:18 AM): i am love

Jill (1:03:25 AM): i just need some space

waliafamily2000 (1:03:43 AM): no u love me

Jill(1:03:52 AM): it's not you, it's me

waliafamily2000 (1:04:03 AM): i love you

Jill(1:04:21 AM): you'll forget in time

waliafamily2000 (1:04:30 AM): ur add

Jill(1:04:37 AM): but we must both move on with our lives

waliafamily2000 (1:04:43 AM): u love me

Jill(1:05:07 AM): bye

And who says you can't find love on the internet?

A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT TURN OUT TO BE FUNNY BUT NONETHELESS NEEDS TO BE SAID FOR THE GOOD OF MANKIND

by Jill Jessica Twiss

I'm tired of boring people. Sick of them really. And I don't think I'm the only one.

Now let me clarify. I'm not sick of quietly boring people. Them I can deal with. If you're boring and you shut up about it, I'm willing to live with you. Sometimes quietly boring people actually do rather well for themselves because people consider them mysterious.

No, it's the actively boring people that I have a problem with. People who are boring and feel the need to share it with the world. Flaunt it, really.

You know people like this. We all do. People for whom "How are you?" is not a rhetorical question and must be answered in explicit detail including names of body parts and words like 'bunions' and 'acid reflux'.

Well I'm sick of them. So I have decided to compile some rules for the actively boring in hopes that I will, then, not be forced to stab them with my keys the next time they attempt to converse.

So, boring people, here they are. Just for you.

BORING PEOPLE--Before you utter a single sentence, you must make sure it meets one of the following two guidelines. The sentence must be either:

1) Relevant to the person you're talking to,

or

2) Interesting

If the sentence meets neither of these guidelines, you must not say it. The end.

There. I feel better.

Something I learned tonight at my show in the middle of nowhere Long Island:

Apparently "948 Broadway" and "948 West Broadway" are two entirely different places. Go figure.

One of them is a comedy club.

The other one is a house owned by mean people.

And they don't have comedy shows there ever. Not even on special holidays or Tuesdays after midnight.

Lesson learned.

I like the new state quarters. With them, I can learn geography and buy gum at the same time. A better combination was never had, I think.

Georgia has a peach on their state quarter. New York's has the Statue of Liberty.

Alabama's has....Helen Keller.

Yes, Georgia has a state fruit, New York has a state monument, and Alabama has a state handicapped person.

They even put little Braille letters on the quarter. I do think that's good. Otherwise they could just hand blind people the Sacajawea silver dollar, say it was Helen Keller, and save a whole lot of money in minting costs.

What exactly is Alabama trying to tell us by choosing Helen Keller to represent their state on the quarter?

"Alabama--Nothing worth seeing here. Not much worth hearing either."

It is Alabama, though. We're just glad they didn't decide to have the Lynching Quarter.

A conversation from the standardized test prep course that I taught last night:

Me: So, James, what do you do when there are two attractive answer choices?

James: Ummm.....make out with both of them?

Shows this week:

Monday, August 2nd
Boston Comedy Club
82 W. 3rd Street (btw. Thompson and Sullivan)
9:30pm show (I go on LATE)
$7 cover, 1 drink minimum

Friday, August 6th
Sam's
45th Street, btw. B-way and 8th Ave.
8pm show
$10 cover, $10 bar minimum (I think)

Saturday, August 7th
Backstage
948 Broadway; Windmere, NY
10pm show
No idea how much this costs. But if you're dying to know, I'll find out.

There is also the distinct possibility I will be performing at a strip club this week. As a comedian, not as a stripper. Emphatically not. But I will not rule out accepting strategically placed dollar bills from the audience. Wait. I might rule that out. I'll get back to you.

My friend told me that, when she meets a guy she really likes, she automatically thinks about what their kids might look like.

I don’t want to have kids. So when I meet a guy I really like, I imagine what our appliances will look like.