Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Here is my new favorite joke as written by an 11 year old in my stand-up comedy class:
I am very confused by Britney Spears' song "Baby, Hit Me One More Time."
Is she saying she wants to be hit?
Moreover, is she saying that she wants to be hit by babies???
Sunday, August 22, 2004
I will have no computer, email, or phone. So I shall not be writing in my blog.
I will, however, THINK lots of funny things during the week. So if you are psychic, just read my mind every time you would have checked my blog.
Friday, August 20, 2004
So I'll make a deal with you: I'll give you the punchline, and you can write your own joke. Hell, write it in the comments and share it with all of us.
The punchline: THE JEHOVAS WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM
You write diligently. I will sleep. For tonight, dear reader, our roles are reversed.
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
Well tonight at the illustrious Boston Comedy Club, I looked out at the audience and this one guy had his eyes closed. My first thought was, of course, how depressing to go onstage at 1am for six people and have one of them sleep through your set.
But then I thought, "WAIT. Maybe he's not asleep at all. Maybe he's DEAD."
At first this worried me immensely. Another person dying in one of my shows? This is terrible.
But then I thought, "Hey wait, maybe that could be my COMEDY GIMMICK."
You know? Like every famous comedian has their comedy gimmick. Jeff Foxworthy has, "You know you're a redneck when....", Jerry Seinfeld has, "Did you ever notice....", Carrot Top has being the most annoying person ever.
Well my comedy gimmick would be:
Go see Jill Twiss and see if you make it out ALIVE...
(imagine this followed by an evil laugh.)
I would make millions.
People would place bets on which person wasn't going to make it through the show. They would buy tickets for their enemies to see my show and then just cross their fingers. It would be a great hit and I would be terribly famous.
But then the guy woke up. Turns out he was just sleeping.
Sunday, August 15, 2004
Quite not funny, really. Extra specially not funny with a cherry on top.
But you all can just glance at what I wrote, sigh and say, ‘well Jill’s just not funny today’ and move on with your life. You did not have to pay $7 plus a two drink minimum to read my blog. And even if I’m not funny I can’t see you glaring at me, thinking about how very not funny I am and wanting to punch me in the nose.
I had two shows tonight. I was frightenly unfunny in both of them.
Just to keep up the tradition tonight, I’m not going to be funny in my blog either.
Saturday, August 14, 2004
Friday, August 13, 2004
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
waliafamily2000 (12:58:07 AM): ur me gf
Jill (12:58:36 AM): Yes. i'd imagine that lines like that work out for you pretty regularly in real life
waliafamily2000 (12:58:58 AM): i love u
Jill(12:59:25 AM): understandably
Jill (12:59:55 AM): as that we've connected so well online and all. love was, i suppose, inevitable.
waliafamily2000 (1:00:13 AM): ya
waliafamily2000 (1:00:17 AM): i love u
Jill (1:00:21 AM): so you said
Jill (1:00:30 AM): not that repeating it makes it any less meaningful
waliafamily2000 (1:00:44 AM): i love u
waliafamily2000 (1:00:44 AM): i love u
waliafamily2000 (1:00:45 AM): i love u
waliafamily2000 (1:00:46 AM): i love u
waliafamily2000 (1:00:55 AM): i love u
Jill(1:01:00 AM): ok, i lied. it is becoming slightly less meaningful
waliafamily2000 (1:01:25 AM): i love you
Jill(1:03:05 AM): ever heard of playing hard to get?
Jill (1:03:09 AM): sadly, i think i'm going to have to end this relationship
waliafamily2000 (1:03:18 AM): i am love
Jill (1:03:25 AM): i just need some space
waliafamily2000 (1:03:43 AM): no u love me
Jill(1:03:52 AM): it's not you, it's me
waliafamily2000 (1:04:03 AM): i love you
Jill(1:04:21 AM): you'll forget in time
waliafamily2000 (1:04:30 AM): ur add
Jill(1:04:37 AM): but we must both move on with our lives
waliafamily2000 (1:04:43 AM): u love me
Jill(1:05:07 AM): bye
And who says you can't find love on the internet?
Monday, August 09, 2004
A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT TURN OUT TO BE FUNNY BUT NONETHELESS NEEDS TO BE SAID FOR THE GOOD OF MANKIND
by Jill Jessica Twiss
I'm tired of boring people. Sick of them really. And I don't think I'm the only one.
Now let me clarify. I'm not sick of quietly boring people. Them I can deal with. If you're boring and you shut up about it, I'm willing to live with you. Sometimes quietly boring people actually do rather well for themselves because people consider them mysterious.
No, it's the actively boring people that I have a problem with. People who are boring and feel the need to share it with the world. Flaunt it, really.
You know people like this. We all do. People for whom "How are you?" is not a rhetorical question and must be answered in explicit detail including names of body parts and words like 'bunions' and 'acid reflux'.
Well I'm sick of them. So I have decided to compile some rules for the actively boring in hopes that I will, then, not be forced to stab them with my keys the next time they attempt to converse.
So, boring people, here they are. Just for you.
BORING PEOPLE--Before you utter a single sentence, you must make sure it meets one of the following two guidelines. The sentence must be either:
If the sentence meets neither of these guidelines, you must not say it. The end.
There. I feel better.
Sunday, August 08, 2004
Apparently "948 Broadway" and "948 West Broadway" are two entirely different places. Go figure.
One of them is a comedy club.
The other one is a house owned by mean people.
And they don't have comedy shows there ever. Not even on special holidays or Tuesdays after midnight.
Saturday, August 07, 2004
Georgia has a peach on their state quarter. New York's has the Statue of Liberty.
Alabama's has....Helen Keller.
Yes, Georgia has a state fruit, New York has a state monument, and Alabama has a state handicapped person.
They even put little Braille letters on the quarter. I do think that's good. Otherwise they could just hand blind people the Sacajawea silver dollar, say it was Helen Keller, and save a whole lot of money in minting costs.
What exactly is Alabama trying to tell us by choosing Helen Keller to represent their state on the quarter?
"Alabama--Nothing worth seeing here. Not much worth hearing either."
It is Alabama, though. We're just glad they didn't decide to have the Lynching Quarter.
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
Sunday, August 01, 2004
Monday, August 2nd
Boston Comedy Club
82 W. 3rd Street (btw. Thompson and Sullivan)
9:30pm show (I go on LATE)
$7 cover, 1 drink minimum
Friday, August 6th
45th Street, btw. B-way and 8th Ave.
$10 cover, $10 bar minimum (I think)
Saturday, August 7th
948 Broadway; Windmere, NY
No idea how much this costs. But if you're dying to know, I'll find out.
There is also the distinct possibility I will be performing at a strip club this week. As a comedian, not as a stripper. Emphatically not. But I will not rule out accepting strategically placed dollar bills from the audience. Wait. I might rule that out. I'll get back to you.