I like to watch "Dinner and a Movie" on TBS.

That's when they show a movie on TV and, between parts of the film, they cook a dish that is relevant to the film. For example, when they showed "Uncle Buck," they taught us all how to make Buckwheat Pancakes.

Here's what I would make if I was on "Dinner and a Movie:"

Dinner: Seared venison with vegetables and a side of braised rabbit.

Movie: Bambi

Yummmmmm.....

Ooooh, just when I thought my list was done, I have another show to tell you about.

TONIGHT
The Knitting Factory
74 Leonard Street
WomanRock Concert
7pm
$10 cover

Yes I, Jill Twiss, will be the emcee for a rock concert.

I played the clarinet in high school. And the oboe.

Oh dear.

I hope no one sets me on fire.

Upcoming shows:

TONIGHT (June 28)
Boston Comedy Club
82 W. 3rd Street
9:30pm show (I'll go on late)
$5 cover, 1 drink minimum

Thursday, July 1st
Boston Comedy Club
82 W. 3rd Street
10pm show (I'll go on late)
$8 cover, 1 drink minimum (ladies get in free)

Friday, July 2nd
Jack Rabbit Slims
10th Street between 1st ave. and Ave. A
8pm show
(free, I think)

Monday, July 5th
Boston Comedy Club
82 W. 3rd Street
9:30pm show (I'll go on late)
$5 cover, 1 drink minimum

Tuesday, July 6th
Laugh Lounge
151 Essex Street
8:30 show
$8 cover, 2 drink minimum

Thursday, July 8th
Boston Comedy Club
82 W. 3rd Street
10pm show (I'll go on late)
$8 cover, 1 drink minimum (ladies get in free)

Saturday, July 10th
Seasons on the Hudson Restaurant
Beacon, NY
9pm show
FREE

Wow, that's a lot. No excuse not to see me perform now. Unless maybe your lung has collapsed and it hurts to laugh. Then I'll grant an exception.

I was pretty sick this last week so I went to see a doctor. Apparently I "just" had food poisoning (even less fun than it sounds.) Anyway, afterward, the doctor informed me that he thought I might have a weak heart.

Isn't that a pretty dangerous thing to tell someone with a weak heart?

Yesterday I was asked out by a genius.

See, I went out with this guy and had a mediocre time. Not horrible, certainly, but not good enough to go out with him again. So throughout the last half of the date, I was gearing up to say "No thanks, I'm not really interested" when he asked me out again.

But the boy was a freakin' genius.

At the end of the night, the conversation went like this.....

BOY: So, I was thinking about next week....

ME: Well....

BOY: And I was wondering...would you rather go ice-skating or to a movie?

ME: Ummmm....ice skating

WAIT?!! What had just happened? He had asked the question in such a way that I was left without a "No" option. Just ice-skating or movies. No "none of the above."

Rats. Foiled again.

Freakin' brilliant.

So I'm back from teaching stand-up comedy to the masses.

All in all it was a great experience. I had worked hard to develop a curriculum such that, even the children who didn't think they were funny would be able to write a joke.

I felt that I had prepared for every possibility.

Until a 15 year old said, "What if my idea of comedy involves a watermelon and a sledgehammer?"

I had no response to that.

The sign on the Korean dry-cleaners by my house reads, "Laundry Happy Day."

I don't really know what that means but it sort of makes me happy.

When I'm having a really crappy day and I just want to kick someone in the nose, I stop and think to myself, "Hey Jill, cheer up! It's Laundry Happy Day!

And I feel a little bit better.

Stand-up comedy is the only profession where they can pay you $25 and a bottle of wine and you're thrilled. And I was.

Tomorrow I'm off to teach a comedy workshop upstate for a week (insert joke about the blind leading the blind here).

So if you don't hear from me for a few days, just realize it's because I'm helping the children of America become better comedians (and then stealing all their jokes and passing them off as my own.)

The Romantic Period lasted from 1820 to 1900.

Don't you think it got a little old after like 50 years or so?

Wow, a walk on the beach with a candlelit dinner and roses, AGAIN? Why can't we ever just watch television?

Disclaimer: I just found this in my economics notebook from college. Apparently I wrote it in the middle of my Microeconomics class. I REALLY hated economics. Which is no excuse for this piece of writing.

WE NOW INTERRUPT THIS CLASS FOR A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR

Little Boy: Mommy, I don't feel good.

[LITTLE BOY WRITHES IN PAIN ON THE FLOOR]

Mom: Oh dear. Maybe you're suffering from crack withdrawal. I know!! I'll give you Crack-Off!

[MOM JABS LITTLE BOY WITH A SYRINGE. HE JUMPS IN PAIN, THEN SMILES BRIGHTLY AND GOES INTO A SHORT TAP SOLO]

(Mom and Little Boy sing together to the tune of "I Got Rhythm.")

If you use crack
And mom don't like it,
Just use Crack-Off
And your mom won't kill your dog

Announcer: Crack-Off! Now available in our new economy size.

The program I use to find out how many people are visiting this website also tells me what phrases people typed into search engines to get here.

These are my two favorites:

1) The bad things about air freshener

2) Sheep jumping over fence on cake

On one hand, I think it's a little weird that people are searching for these things at all.

On the other hand, I just want you all to know that if you ever need some real, hard-hitting information about sheep jumping over fences onto cake, my website is here to help you.

As is therapy.

After my show last night, a woman approached me to ask me if I'd consider performing stand-up comedy at her wedding.

This was peculiar unto itself, but when I said yes, she followed up with this:

Woman: Great. How do you feel about reptiles?

This was a question that I, quite honestly, was not prepared for. "How much do you charge?" Yes, I was ready for that. "How much material do you have?" Yes, I was ready for that too. "How do you feel about reptiles?" No. No I was emphatically not prepared for that question.

Me: Ummmmmm.....which reptiles?

A rather clever response, I thought. Not displaying alarm. Acting as though discussions of reptile preferences is something that always comes up in comedy performance negotiations. Like, "Let me see, then. I'll just check the 'Reptile Clause' of my contract...."

Woman: Well, the groomsmen will all be carrying snakes and the bridesmaids will be carrying baby alligators.

Of course. Clearly adult alligators would be too large and overwhelm the simplicity of the bridesmaids dresses.

Me: !@##!!$!$$$$#%@(@(*#$ [Note: You'll have to look that up to get the exact pronunciation.]

Now I'm all for 'non-traditional' weddings. Hell, let the couple write their own vows. Bride doesn't want to wear white? No problem.

But baby alligators?

Let me state for the record here and now that there will be no baby alligators at my wedding. Or adult alligators, if that's the way you think you can get around this proclamation. No bugs either. [In case anyone was planning a "Fear Factor" wedding theme. "Look guys, here's the cake....made out of cow testicles."]

Getting married is scary enough without involving actual physical danger.

Apparently I'm more traditional than I thought.

I think it would be fun to go to a pilates class with an eye-patch on and a parrot on my shoulder.

When people looked at me funny, I would say, "Pilates? Oh, I thought the sign said "Pirates."

Then I'd pick up my parrot and leave.

Whilst cleaning I found this on a scrap of paper on my bedroom floor.

"Uday and Qusay.

Those were the names of Saddam Hussein's sons who we killed in Iraq.

I can't help but ask.....

Why did Saddam Hussein choose to name his sons in Pig Latin?

If this is a sign of how far Iraqi code has progressed, we should have no problem decoding their top-secret information.

THE EAPONSWAY OF ASSMAY ESTRUCTIONDAY ARE IN THE AVECAY"

Apparently I woke up in the middle of the night, scribbled this down in a fit of inspiration, went back to sleep, and promptly forgot it ever existed.

Which may have been for the best.

There is a yellow Volkswagen bug parked outside of my apartment building every day. It never moves. It just sits there all day.

And I desperately want to own a yellow Volkswagen bug. More than anything in the world.

(Except for, possibly, a trampoline. Because you can't jump up and down on a Volkswagen bug. You'll dent it. And inside it's just too small for jumping. Unless you're really short. Even then, doing flips is just out of the question.)

Anyway, at first I thought this splendid yellow Volkswagen bug was just put there to taunt me. Perhaps placed there by my parents to say, "Tee hee, Jill. Look at what you could have if you quit comedy and got a REAL job." Or some neighbor saying, "Ha ha, I have a Volkswagen bug and you don't. And I don't even have to DRIVE it. That's how cool I am."

But then I had a revelation. An, epiphany of sorts. Here's what I learned:

This is MY yellow Volkswagen bug.

It is.

I'm sure of it.

I feel intuitively that this car has been left as a prize for me. A prize that I will get if, and only if, I solve the secret riddle. Yes, the secret riddle that people have tried for centuries to solve but all have failed. Until now.

Problem is, I'm not sure what the secret riddle is.

So if you have any suggestions as to the content of the secret riddle, be sure to let me know.

I will work diligently and tirelessly to solve it. Day and night. Around the clock. And I will SOLVE this secret riddle. See if I don't.

Because I really want this car.

My friend got colon cancer and had to get part of her colon removed.

So now all she has left is a semi-colon.

I'll be here all week. Please tip your waitress.

When you have sex with two other people, it's called a threesome. With three, it's called a foursome.

I think if you have sex with everybody, it should be called a wholesome.

The end.