I watch "American Idol." Regularly. It's sort of embarrassing but, there, I said it.

But whenever I talk to someone about "American Idol," I start to feel like I'm at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. You know?

"Well, it started out ok. I mean, I watched it every week, but I didn't NEED to watch it.....Sure I taped it. But that was just in case a friend missed an episode and needed to borrow it. Really. But then one day.....

I voted.

I don't know how it happened. I think I blacked out. Woke up with the phone clenched in my hand.

And it's a slippery slope from there, my friend. I began to turn my back on my friends, my family, my job. Nothing could compare to the high I got from watching Clay Aiken and Ryan Seacrest (ok, even for the sake of joke exaggeration, I can't pretend that I enjoy watching Ryan Seacrest.)

Soon I started lying to cover my addiction: "Oh yeah, "West Wing?" That's a great show.....all those kooky airline pilots."

I think I'm on the road to overcoming my addiction. I'm cutting down. Once a week--no voting and no taping. And I think I can do it."

I'm just taking it one day at a time. Wish me luck, guys.

I just saw this commercial for a video game. It said, "This game is rated: MATURE."

This makes sense to me. Because I know when I see a guy sitting in front of the television, eating Doritos in his underwear, playing video games like his life depends on it, the first thing that comes to my mind is, "Hey, what a MATURE game. Pretty much the pinnacle of MATURITY, really."

Oh yes, the rating was aptly chosen.

It's been FREEZING here lately. And frankly I'm sick of it.

But what's made it really crappy is the "wind chill factor." The newscasters are always like, "It's 15 degrees outside, but with the WIND CHILL FACTOR it feels like it's zero."

How come you only hear about the wind chill factor when it's cold? You never hear, "Well Bob, it's 102 degrees outside but, luckily, with the WIND CHILL FACTOR it only feels like 86."

Upcoming shows:

Today (Tuesday, January 27)
9pm show--I go on at 11pm
New York Comedy Club
241 E. 24th street (btw. 2nd and 3rd ave.)

Thursday, January 29th
10pm show--I go on LATE
Boston Comedy Club
82 W. 3rd Street

Monday, February 2nd
9:30pm show--I go on LATE
Boston Comedy Club

I joke. You laugh. We all make out afterward. Fair enough?

I'm not going to make fun of elderly people and talk about what terrible drivers they are. That's not my style.

I just think that people that have been driving for that many years deserve some special privileges.

Like their own lane on the road. A special lane, just for them. That would be a good privilege.

And I think it would be a good idea if that lane had those blow-up tubes on the side. You know, like the things they have on the sides of the lanes when kids go bowling?

That way when the car goes a little off course, it could just bounce right back in and continue merrily on its way.

Ideally, I also think they should get those little machines that re-set anything they knock down.

I was driving in New Jersey the other night (official state nickname: "Land of 10,000 tolls") and I drove through a toll booth where this woman handed me a ticket.

That was her entire job: wait for a car to come by, reach out, hand them a ticket, wait for the next car. Day in, day out, that’s what she did.

Now I’m wondering how they make hiring decisions for a job like that. What kind of questions do they ask at the interview?

"Now ma’am, are you actually able to reach out and hold the ticket at the SAME TIME?"

The woman seemed sort of grouchy. I was sort of hoping that she might at least smile while she handed me the ticket. But I understand why she didn't.

I mean, a person can only do so many things at once.

I've had the flu for the past couple of weeks. Boy, have I had the flu. High fevers, muscle spasms, it's been very exciting.

But I have to say, I was secretly hoping it might be SARS. Because, as a comedian, SARS is a goldmine.

And I feel that, as a person with SARS, I'd have a sort of monopoly on SARS jokes. You know, like how black people are the only ones that can tell black jokes?

People would get all offended by my jokes, and I'd be like, "Hey, I have SARS. So I can tell these jokes."

Even deadly diseases have a positive side.