When I was five years old, I made the big decision.

Yes, the "what do I want to be when I grow up" decision.

And I didn't want to be a doctor or a lawyer or the King of Prussia. I didn't even want to be a stand-up comedian.

No, at the age of five, I declared to the world that I wanted to be a Drinking Fountain Critic.

I would write for all the best newspapers and travel guides. I would travel around the world trying different drinking fountains, and writing things like:

Today I had the pleasure of sampling a drinking fountain at the end of the hallway on the third floor of Duluth Elementary School. You know, the one next to the bulletin board with all the "Turkey Hand" pictures.

And let me tell you, folks, I found a real hidden gem.

The temperature was perfect, not too warm but not mouth-numbing either. The flavor was delectable--almost tasteless, with just a hint of chlorine. And the water pressure? A dream. There are fire hydrants with less water pressure than this underused drinking fountain. Finally (and I dread to tell you this for fear that there will be minutes-long lines at the drinking fountain from now on), some quick investigation led me to find out that this water is FLUORIDATED. Pinch me, and tell me I'm not dreaming.

So folks, if you ever find yourself parched in Duluth, let me tell you, it's well worth that walk up three flights of stairs.

Well of course I grew out of that stage after a year or two.

But just last night I decided.....

I think I'm growing back into it.