A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT TURN OUT TO BE FUNNY BUT NONETHELESS NEEDS TO BE SAID FOR THE GOOD OF MANKIND
by Jill Jessica Twiss
I'm tired of boring people. Sick of them really. And I don't think I'm the only one.
Now let me clarify. I'm not sick of quietly boring people. Them I can deal with. If you're boring and you shut up about it, I'm willing to live with you. Sometimes quietly boring people actually do rather well for themselves because people consider them mysterious.
No, it's the actively boring people that I have a problem with. People who are boring and feel the need to share it with the world. Flaunt it, really.
You know people like this. We all do. People for whom "How are you?" is not a rhetorical question and must be answered in explicit detail including names of body parts and words like 'bunions' and 'acid reflux'.
Well I'm sick of them. So I have decided to compile some rules for the actively boring in hopes that I will, then, not be forced to stab them with my keys the next time they attempt to converse.
So, boring people, here they are. Just for you.
BORING PEOPLE--Before you utter a single sentence, you must make sure it meets one of the following two guidelines. The sentence must be either:
If the sentence meets neither of these guidelines, you must not say it. The end.
There. I feel better.