A few thoughts on the fairy tale, "Rumplestiltskin":

---"Guess my name or I'm taking your firstborn child." Doesn't that seem a little excessive? That's like guessing wrong on the Daily Double on Jeopardy and hearing Alex Tribeck say, "I'm sorry, that's incorrect. I'm afraid we'll have to amputate your left leg and repossess your house."

---Rumplestiltskin was a man who could spin straw into gold. With this highly marketable skill, don't you think he could attract a pretty hot woman and have kids of his own? Must he really make bargains for other people's children?

---If Rumplestiltskin were a rapper, I think his song would be called, "Say My Name, Bitch."

As I was riding home from work the other day, I heard a Rosemary Clooney song on the radio. It's called "I'll Be Around." It's about a woman who gets dumped. She says,

Your latest love can never last.
And when it's past,
I'll be around.

And when things go wrong
Perhaps you'll see
You're meant for me.
So I'll be around
When she's gone.

I think that, after being dumped, I would write a similarly sentimental song. Except I would call it:

"Fuck you, I've moved on."

Given my track record, I'm constantly watching out for signs that a guy I'm dating might secretly be gay.

Like I went Christmas caroling the other night with this guy I've been seeing. And I watched him really closely on "Deck the Halls." You know, just to make sure that he didn't look too happy when he sang, "Don we now our gay apparel."

You can never be too careful.

Really short notice but I'm going on:

Tonight! (Thursday, Dec. 11th)
10pm show (I'll go on midnight-ish)
Boston Comedy Club
84 W. 3rd Street
Ladies Free, Men $8

And I'll be naked. OK, that was a lie.

Upcoming shows:

Wednesday, Dec. 10
9pm show (I go on at 11pm)
New York Comedy Club
24th Street, btw. 2nd and 3rd Ave.
$8 cover, 2 drink minimum

Monday, Dec. 15
10pm show (I go on really really really late. Really late.)
Boston Comedy Club
84 W. 3rd Street
$5 cover, 1 drink minimum

You will drink heavily, I will tell jokes. A good time will be had by all.

I wonder if, when I'm old, I'll say things like, "You know when I was young, we had good quality television like, The Osbournes and Who Wants to Marry My Dad. Good solid family-oriented shows. Not like this crap you kids watch nowadays."

There is currently about three inches of snow on the ground outside. Thusly, the television has started interrupting programming every 5 minutes for "BLIZZARD WATCH."

"BLIZZARD WATCH" is where they stop whatever television show is going on to say things like: "There is currently about an inch-and-a-half of snow outside and it's still coming down hard."

In addition to the television, I have another box in my house that does much the same thing.

It's called the window.

People make fun of beauty pageants because they think the contestants are stupid. But this year, there was a doctor in the Miss America pageant.

That's right, Miss Wisconsin was a medical doctor. She made it to the top ten too.

But, you know, I think she really missed her opportunity in the talent competition.

"Our first contestant, Miss Hawaii, will be performing a stirring rendition of 'Ave Maria' on the xylophone."

"Our next contestant, Miss Florida, will be tap dancing to 'Stars and Stripes Forever' while twirling fire batons.'

"And finally, our last contestant, Miss Wisonsin will be SAVING A LIFE."

She would totally win.

Frankly even removing a bunion would beat out the fire-baton girl in my book.