I’m a very lazy person.

If I cook something in a pot and the pot gets really disgusting, it's entirely possible that I'll throw the entire pot away rather than wash it.

I buy my clothes at the Salvation Army because I'm too lazy to break in my own jeans.

When the power goes off in my apartment at 5:37 in the morning, I will mentally add 5 hours and 37 minutes to the time until someone else changes the clocks. Since I live alone, this often takes months.

Eventually I'll just stop getting out of bed. But would that be so wrong?

I don't understand people who use famous pieces of music as the ringing sound on their cell phone.

What makes you say, "Gee, I really like this song. I think it is a brilliant piece of music. I have great respect and reverence for the genius who wrote this splendid piece of art.....In fact, I like it so much that I want to listen to the first eight seconds of it forty-seven times a day in bad digitized sound."?

That's like saying, "Hey, I really love Shakespeare. One of the best writers of all time. So I was thinking that I'd like to see 'Macbeth' performed nineteen times a day by the Muppets."

Which, in retrospect, isn't such a bad idea.

There's that reality new show out right now called "Average Joe." It's where there's this really hot woman and like twenty really unattractive men.

Isn't that basically every 70s porn movie ever made?

Performances this week:

Monday, 11/17
Boston Comedy Club
82 West 3rd Street, NYC
9:30 pm show (I'll be on LATE)

Wednesday, 11/19
New York Comedy Club
241 E. 24th (btw. 2nd and 3rd)
9pm show (I should be on by 10pm)

The car that parked in front of me today has a bumper sticker that says, Elect Jesus King of Your Life.

Do you think Jesus is really interested in running a campaign here? And, if so, don't you think he could come up with better slogans?

Like, Vote For Jesus, or You're Going to Get Hit By a Bus. I think that one would be pretty persuasive.

And his campaign manager would be like, "Well Jesus, you're going to have to play down the whole 'virgin birth' thing. People want sex nowadays. But I think that whole water to wine business could really sell in the urban market. I do."

What I'd like to know is who's running against him?

Probably Al Sharpton.

Come see me Thursday night (Nov. 13th)

9pm show (I'll go on around 9:45pm)
New York Comedy Club
241 E. 24th Street (btw. 2nd and 3rd)
$8 cover, 2 drink minimum

The New York Comedy Club has GREAT comics and disgusting bathrooms. So pee before you come.

As I was driving home from work tonight, I was actually asked out by the toll booth collector as he took my money.

Now, I ask, how could this man possibly learn enough about me in our nine-second exchange to consider asking me out?

"Man, I sure like the way that girl says thank you when I give her change. And the way she has Broadway showtunes blaring from her car. Not to mention the pine-smelling tree-shaped air freshener hanging from her rear view mirror. Clearly, we must be soulmates."

I mean, this is a man who, if asked, couldn't even positively state that I have legs, much less a winning personality.

Did I say yes? Of course not. But I have to admit that a little part of me considered it. After all, unlike most men that ask me out, at least I know he has a steady job.