Upcoming shows:

Saturday, Nov. 1st, 8pm
307 Atlantic Street
Stamford, CT

It's a contest. And the audience will get to vote. So you will be empowered. And if I don't win, you have only yourself to blame. But if I do, I might buy you a puppy. Or make out with you. There is no limit to the things I might do in my excitement.

Monday, Nov. 3rd, 9:30pm
(I won't go on till late)
Boston Comedy Club
82 West 3rd Street
NYC

This guy (a friend of a friend) came up to me the other day and said:

"You know, when I first met you I thought I wasn't going to like you very much. But then I found out that you're funny and I decided that I would like you."

So I said,

"You know, when I first met you I thought I wasn't going to like you very much either. But then you came up and said that to me, and I realized that I really don't like you."

I would be a terrible racist.

The other day a friend of mine was telling a story, and in the middle of it he comes out with, "Yeah, because you know how those Asians are about their cigarettes."

Two thoughts crossed my mind at that point:

1) My friend is a big racist jerk.

2) No, how are those Asians about their cigarettes?

Because I didn't even know there was a stereotype about Asians and cigarettes. I felt intrinsically uncool.

Because I'm not racist, but I'd definitely like to be able to make racist comments if I wanted to.

I think I'm going to start making my own racial stereotypes and throwing them around. Then it will be other people who feel stupid.

NAMELESS FRIEND: And then this Puerto Rican guy just stepped in front of me in line at the grocery store.

ME: Well, you know how those Puerto Ricans are with their celery.....

And then I'll be cool.

In court if you ask a question you shouldn't have asked, you say, "Withdrawn." And the question is gone. It's stricken from the record, the jury can't consider it, it's like you never asked it.

I wish we could do that in real life.

"So, when's your baby due?"
"What baby? I'm not pregnant! Are you saying I'm fat?"
"Question withdrawn"

Next show:

Wednesday, Oct. 29th
9:30pm
Boston Comedy Club
82 W. 3rd Street
NYC

$6 cover, 1 drink

I met Bill Cosby the other night.

God, how LONG have I been waiting to say that? And it’s true. I was just standing in front of a comedy club and there he was. And I met him.

Of course, I didn’t actually talk to him. At least if by "talk" you mean "the actual ability to form words." You see, I was so completely in awe of the man that the entire English language escaped me at that moment. I think I just sort of made sounds. Moans and grunts, really. And moved my mouth a little.

Here’s what I’m thinking: I think that sometime next year or so, I’m going to be on "The Tonight Show" or "Letterman." And Bill Cosby will be sitting at home watching. And he’ll turn to his wife and say, "Hey look! It’s the little retarded girl from outside Boston comedy club. Isn’t it amazing what medical science can do for those people nowadays?"

But at least he’ll remember me.

My dad went duck hunting last year. He informed me that, when you go duck hunting, you actually dress up like a duck. The ducks will, apparently, think that you are also a duck and thus not run away. (I swear to God I'm not making this up.)

Now, my dad is not a large man, but even at 5’5", he is unlikely to be mistaken for a duck.

So if ducks are stupid enough to fall for this plan, why not lose the costume entirely? Why just walk up to the ducks, hold out your hand, and say, "Hi, nice to meet you. I’m a duck."?

That seems equally likely to convince them in my book.

Are people who escape from mental institutions just "afraid of commitment?"

Tee hee.

I was watching "Fear Factor" the other night (yes, I admit it.) During the show one of the contestants had an emotional moment where he confessed to the camera that his dad was currently sick and in the hospital. "This is for you, Dad!" he said dramatically.

Now I don't want to step on this guy's heartfelt gesture. I don't.

But do you really think his father was in the hospital, on his deathbed, saying, "My only regret was that I thought I'd never live to see my son eat live leeches on national television. Now I can die in peace."?

Television changes lives, folks.

My new pet peeve: When people say something stupid and irrelevant to a conversation and then, as an explanation, they say, "It's a line from a movie." Like that explains it.

Like, for some reason, their comment is less stupid and irrelevant because somebody else said it first. Yet somehow we seem to accept this as a reasonable explanation.

My next show:

this Tuesday (Oct. 21)
9:30pm
Boston Comedy Club
82 West 3rd Street
NYC

I probably won't go on until really late (11 at the earliest). It's cheap. $6 cover, 1 drink minimum.

And I'll be funny. Truly.

I teach LSAT prep courses. That's the test you have to take to get into law school.

And usually I get pretty smart students. I do. They are future lawyers, after all.

However, I do have this one student, we'll call her Sandy. I figured it out: Sandy would actually have scored seven points higher on the test if she had answered "A" for every single question.

My question is, what do I say to someone like this?

"Sandy, I have some advice for you if you want to improve your score:

Stop reading the questions. They're just throwing you off."

or

"You know, the world does need plumbers."

It's a dilemma.

Plato was a pretty important philosopher. He made a significant impact on the way the world was viewed.

So do you think he'd be a little upset to know that the word in the English language that was named after him---his legacy, persay---is "platonic?"

Do you think he's like, "Oh good, I'm one of the best philosophers EVER. And the only word you name after me is one where, by definition, no one is having sex. Thanks guys. That's exactly how I'd like to be remembered."

People are always complaining that rap lyrics are really violent and we shouldn't let children listen to them. Because we're afraid that it will make the children violent. Instead we want them to listen to good, wholesome songs. Like the ones we learned as children. Like "Ring Around the Rosy" or "Three Blind Mice."

Ummmm.....have you heard the lyrics to "Three Blind Mice" lately? Now there's a charming song for kids. "Hey, kids! You know what's fun? Find three mice who already have a crippling disability, take a large carving knife, and CHOP off their tails. You know, because they're already blind, so they won't see you coming. Then watch them run around, writhing in pain."

That's good clean fun for kids.

I went to an open mic the other night that had musicians in addition to comedians. And this one guy broke a guitar string during a song and this other guy ran up there and gave him his guitar so he could finish his set.

I wish comedians could do that. Like if you tell a joke and it really bombs, some other comedian can run up and say, "Here, use mine. It's about being black at swimming pools. And it always KILLS."

That would be cool.

Doesn't it seem a little odd that not a single woman in the entire kingdom wore the same size shoes as Cinderella?

I read a study that said that the average person swallows seven spiders in his sleep in one lifetime.

But here's the thing: I think I'm an above average person.

Odds are I've swallowed ten spiders minimum, already. I've always been an overachiever.

But the weird thing is that I've started to apply this to other parts of my life. Like I went out with this guy the other night and he said something really stupid, and I actually caught myself thinking, "Yeah, he's probably a three spider guy. At best."

I’m not so good with directions. Here’s how I get to K-Mart:

I go south on the highway till I think I’m lost, then I take a right.

And the sad part is, I fall for it every time. I always say, ‘this time it’s not going to work because I’ll know I’m not lost.’ But then I’ll be driving along and it seems to start to take longer than usual. And after a while, I start to think "Jeez, this time I really am lost." Then I’ll take a right, and there’s K-Mart.

Clearly this works fine for me, but not so well when I’m trying to give directions to other people. "Just go south till you think I’d be lost. Then take a right."

I should work for Mapquest

I've decided that when I can't think up anything funny to say (which seems to be happening frequently lately), I'm going to share with you an interesting fact about me.

For example: When I was 10, I won a bookmark contest. So thousands of copies of the bookmark I designed were printed up and given out at every library in the state.

But they spelled my name wrong on the bookmark. So every single bookmark in every single library in the entire state listed my name as "Jill Twill."

OK, I was just severely chastised for not writing more on here. And I'm not going to make any excuses (like the fact that I'm currently working four jobs and haven't had a day off in 22 days now. Or the fact that, after the four jobs, I attempt to go fight for stage time at comedy shows. Last night, for example, I passed out fliers for four hours in the freezing cold so I could perform for five minutes.) No, I'm not going to make any excuses like that. I'm just going to be better. So please continue to chastise me when I don't write. It's good for me.