I think I'm ready to get a man's name tattooed on my body.

Not anyone in particular, mind you. I just feel like the possible dating pool is much too wide right now. I don't even know where to start. Whereas if I already had a name tattooed on my shoulder, I think that would narrow down the field significantly. I could be like, "Sorry, we can't date. Your name's not Kevin." It would be far easier to make decisions.

Or maybe I could tattoo a really obscure name, like "Ezekiel." That way, when I met him, I would know right away, he's the one. There aren't a lot of Ezekiels out there.

I think the March for Peace that happened in NYC a few months ago is a little different than the March for Breast Cancer that they had today. Because when you march for peace, I think you actually want to obtain peace. Whereas with the March for Breast Cancer, you don’t want to get breast cancer at all. Not even a little bit.

How come comedians are the only people in the world who define themselves by the thing we DON'T get paid to do. Like if someone asks us what kind of work we do, even if we make our entire living as a waitress, we'll say, "Oh, I'm a comedian." Other people don't do that. You'll never ask an accountant who sometimes works out at the gym what he does for a living and have him reply, "Oh, I'm a bodybuilder."

Perhaps we're just positive thinkers.

I went to an audition last night, and the director accused me of lying about my height on my resume (I’m 5’1".) Now if I was going to lie about my height, wouldn’t I make up something much more exciting? Like 6’3"?

It's exceedingly windy here, what with this whole hurricane thing and all. And I keep thinking back to Mary Poppins. Because, although I understand that in reality, it probably wouldn't be fun at all to get picked up by the wind and blown away, I keep thinking that I might not mind so much if I would land in London as a nanny to two very cute British children. So, rather than stressing about this hurricane, I think people should just think of it as a job opportunity. Perhaps this hurricane will solve our unemployment problem by sending thousands of people off to Britain to be nannies.

Just a thought.

If you think you're a hypochondriac, but you actually really are sick....then are you a hypochondriac?

Some people are against hunting. They think that it's cruel to the animals. But there are other people who think that hunting is ok as long as you eat the animals that you kill. And I think that makes a lot of sense. Although, of course, that makes Jeffrey Dahmer seem like not such a bad guy.

Frankly, I’m getting a little tired of the Israel and Palestine conflict. It’s like trying to break up two kids fighting and, as you’re holding them apart, they keep spitting on each other. After a while, you’re like, "Screw it, let ‘em kill each other." I mean, sure, their parents will be mad, but the rest of the neighborhood could use a little peace and quiet.

I saw the musical, "Beauty and the Beast" tonight. I like the show because it has such a great moral. "Don't judge people by their looks, because they might become really hot some day and then you'd feel bad." This is basically the same moral as several episodes of the Ricki Lake show.

Recently I've gone out a couple of times with a 20 year old guy (I'm 27). Which didn't seem all that young until he informed me that he had recently been dating a girl who had just graduated from high school. And I realized that it wasn't icky. So here's my question. Could I be arrested for committing statuatory rape through the transitive property of Algebra?

And, more importantly, am I the only one who gets this joke?

Since I moved to New York City, I’ve developed a different idea of what makes a good driver. For example, if someone turns left…from the far right lane….on a red light….but uses his turn signal. Well, that’s a pretty good driver.

When I play board games and I start to lose, I like to change the rules in my head so I always think I win. Like when I'm losing at Monopoly, I like to pretend that the real object of the game is to get one property of each color. This is fun. Not only does it look pretty--sort of rainbow-ish--but it also really screws up the game for everyone else playing. An added bonus, I think.

People are always pleading the Fifth Ammendment in court. I think it would be cool if they started pleading some other ammendments. You know, like, "I plead the Second. Because, frankly, I'm sick of quartering all those soldiers."