My father came home from the mall the other day and informed me that there were more people there "than you can shake a stick at." I, for one, can shake a stick at a lot of people. Thousands, even. And that's on a bad day.

Trivial Pursuit is hard. I recently realized that I actually translate all of the questions in my head before I answer them. For example:

"What two European nations enjoy observer status at the United Nations?"

becomes

"Name two European nations."


"Who ended his 12-year-career with an NHL-high 823 goals-per-game average?"

becomes

"Name a famous hockey player."


AND
"How many continents must a sport be played on before the IOC will consider making it an Olympic event for men?

becomes

"Pick a number between 1 and 7."

Last year the Oxygen Network invited me to pitch an idea for a sitcom starring me. They seemed to like my idea, but eventually decided not to produce it.

Recently I was watching the Oxygen Network and I saw an ad for a new show they're producing--a show for cats. Not with cats or about cats---for cats. What kind of drunken staff meeting led them to this decision?

"Well, on one hand we have Jill Twiss, a hardworking stand-up comedienne with a show idea she's been working on for months. On the other hand, we could do a show for cats."

"Show for cats??? That's brilliance!!!!"

And so it went. Hope your kitties enjoy the show.

A few weeks ago a taught a stand-up comedy workshop in upstate New York. I made them all write and perform their own jokes. I taught several classes of all different age groups (primarily teenagers through adults.) However, I did teach one class of 10 year olds....... Here are a few of the jokes they wrote and performed in my class:

I gave a report in school today. Man those fish are tough graders!


Frosty the Snowman went to buy a bubblegum snowcone. But, instead, they gave him a snowcone with a piece of bubblegum on top.


Why did the skeleton cross the road? Because he was dead.

Sue went to the store and bought a ham. (even I never really figured this one out)

I asked a girl at school why she didn't invite me to her party. She said it was because the party was too cool for me. I said, "Don't worry, I'll wear a jacket."

You know, I always intended to list upcoming performances on here but never actually did it. But here I am turning over a new leaf. So here goes:

Saturday, July 19th
6:30pm
Gotham Comedy Club
34 W. 22nd Street (btw. 5th and 6th Ave.)
call (212)367-9000 for reservations
$8 cover, two drink minimum

Come see me!

It seems that we might be sending peacekeeping troops to Liberia soon. Why is it that we never send peacekeeping troops to any place where there is actually peace to keep? You never hear on the news, "President Bush just announced that he is sending peacekeeping troops to Belgium. Because they've got an awful lot of peace there. And we'd like to keep it that way."

Drugs are weird. I always hear about people who are tripping on acid and somehow think they can fly. And so they end up jumping off a building. Well, how come people on acid never think they can do OTHER impossible things? Like trigonometry, for example. Or facilitating world peace. You never hear someone say, "Last night Jen was so high she actually called a summit with Israel." You never hear that.