I just turned on the TV and there was a commercial that said, "Ultimate Kenny G" is the musical soundtrack to our lives. Kenny G is definitely NOT the musical soundtrack to my life. So they must be marketing this to someone else. Apparently, people for whom Kenny G music is the soundtrack to their lives. Perhaps his immediate family. Or deaf people.

I think it would be sad to be one of those bitter comics that makes all their jokes about being bitter and unsuccessful. Because then once you're a successful comic, you're not funny any more.

Have you seen those shows, "Best Commercials of the Past 10 Years" or whatever? I like to watch those. But it's weird, when I have to go to the bathroom, I always wait for the commercial.

When I was growing up, my father was a smoke jumper. For those of you who weren't raised in the middle of nowhere like I was, that's a person that jumps out of airplanes into forest fires in an attempt to put them out. And not that I don't admire his bravery, but I have to wonder what kind of drunken Forest Service staff meeting came up with that idea. "You know, I'm thinking that fighting forest fires just isn't dangerous enough. But if we could get someone to, say, jump into the middle of the fire...using only a parachute. Yeah that's right. A flammable parachute, at that. Well, that would be exciting."

Wouldn't it be ironic if the "1812 Overture" was a canon?

(Don't think I don't realize that I'm the only one in the world that finds this joke funny.)

How come persistence considered a virtue in every genre except stalking?


And can stalking, technically, be referred to as a genre?

I always wanted to date someone that was like Tom Hanks in "Big." You know, a 10 year old in a 25 year old body. But instead, I keep ending up dating a 14 year old in a 36 year old body. Not really the same.

Apparently China has decided to invoke the death penalty for anyone caught knowingly transmitting SARS. This seems sort of harsh. I thought that killing was to be reserved for only the worst of Chinese criminals. You know, like innocent female babies.

Before I moved to New York City, I toured with a children's theatre company. Six actors in a van traveling around the country. It was exactly like MTV's "Road Rules" except nobody had sex and the every day we woke up to a note that said, "Your Mission today is to put on the same sweaty costumes you've worn every day for the past three months and do the same show you've done every day for three months for hundreds of children that will ignore every word you say." Oh, and there was no prize at the end. Well, except that we got to stop touring. Which was nice.

My English teacher used to go around the room and ask us each to use one of that week's vocabulary words in a sentence. One day I got the word "perpetuate." I said, "The pet store owner glared at me and said, 'I'm going to have to charge you $5 perpetuate.'"

Both men and women list a good sense of humor as the top quality they want in a mate. It is interesting to note, however, that, to women, a good sense of humor means "someone that makes me laugh." Whereas to men, a good sense of humor means "someone who laughs at my jokes." I'm not sure what to make of that.

Where have all the straight men gone? Remember that guy, King Midas? Everything he touched turned to gold. Well, I think I'm kind of like him. Everything I touch turns to gay.

I think it was probably easier for teenage guys to get sex in the Middle Ages. You know, like a guy and a girl are getting hot and heavy and she's like, "no, I'm just not ready." And he's like, "C'mon, I can't just stop you know." And she's like, "Well, I'm just not sure." And he's like, "I love you." And she's like, "You do?" And he's like, "Yeah, are you ready NOW?" And she's like, "No, I don't think so." And he's like, "They sacrifice virgins, you know." And she's like, " Yeah, I think I'm ready now." I mean that's gotta be pretty convincing.

A survey released recently said that virtually all aspiring actors state that they would never have sex for money. However, a significant number said they would consider having sex with a director for "the right part." This, I think, is just another indication that I'm in the wrong profession.

With my luck, I'd do it for the wrong part. Just my luck, I'd probably be the one who slept with the director for a supporting role in "Glitter."

Thank goodness after September 11th, there haven’t been any more terrorist attacks in the United States. But, with everything going on in the rest of the world, we've had a lot of "uncomfirmed terrorist threats." You hear them on the news all the time—"Today the CIA announced an uncomfirmed terrorist threat to harm banks on the east coast." Or "There is an uncomfirmed threat that terrorists will be attacking embassies in Africa." Well, what I want to know is, how exactly does one go about confirming a terrorist threat? Do you call up a terrorist and say, "Hi, yes, I'm trying to confirm that you are, in fact, going to kill thousands of innocent people. Yes? OK. We thought so but with all these rumors flying around, we just had to confirm. Thanks. Buh-bye." Or, "Do you think maybe we could get a confirmation number? That was you'll know exactly which threat we're talking about and we can check in and confirm that it's running on schedule."

I took a judo class for a few weeks. You know the phrase, "I don't trust her any further than I could throw her?" Well, some of those people REALLY trusted me.

We're always talking about inventors and how they changed our life and stuff. But you know who I think we forget about in all of this? The guy who thought up "righty-tighty lefty-loosey." Talk about an invention I use every day.

Pop rocks--they're like bubble wrap for your tongue.

I always think children from foreign countries are smarter because they can already speak a foreign language.

Sometimes I think that I am really sad and depressed with life in general. That the world has finally gotten to me and I have become an unhappy person. But then I eat and I feel better. Turns out I was just hungry.

You feel like somehow you've stuck pins in this particular doll before--de ja voo-doo

ODE TO ANNOYING GIRL
There once was a girl
With a curl in the middle of her forehead
And when she was good, she was really...annoying
And when she was bad she was annoying too.
So pretty much she was just annoying all the time
Unless she was gagged.
Which isn't such a bad idea.

When you compliment normal people, they think you're nice. When you compliment lawyers, they think you're smart.

WHAT THE WORLD WOULD BE LIKE IF ALL BOYS WERE ON CRACK
If boys were on crack, they'd be really dumb.
Their thoughts would move slowly or just never come.
They'd refuse to stop and ask for directions
And never listen to anyone's corrections.
If boys were on crack, they'd leave the toilet seat up
And drink from the milk carton without any cup.
They'd be really mean and make girls cry.
They'd do stupid things and we wouldn't know why.
Eventually boys would just push us too far.
If boys were on crack. Oh wait, they already are.