LOGAINNE MONOLOGUE 7 -- 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee

This bee is about as misguided as Republican Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney’s refusal to release his tax returns.  Ladies and gentlemen, this incident is exactly like the time when I, Logainne Schwartzandgrubinierre,  refused to show my Dads my second grade report card.  I said, “It’s fine Dads.  Remember how good my FIRST grade report card was and how great my THIRD grade report card will probably be?  Can’t you just trust me Dads?”  And my Dan Dad said, “Logainne if you didn’t have anything to hide then you would show us that report card.”  And my Carl dad said he was taking away my Hillary Clinton bobblehead doll until I showed them my grades.  Sure enough I had gotten a B- in science because I ate too many skittles and threw up right on top of Emile Wasser-Brown’s science fair project.

I submit that the case is similar with Mr. Romney.  Other presidents have inspired the nation with speeches like “We have nothing to fear but fear itself,” and “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country” Is our next president’s battle cry really going to be:  “I promise.  I’ve never paid less than a 13% tax rate.”

So Mr. Romney I say to you, if you’ve vomited all over the United States of America’s science project, we have the right to know!!!

LOGAINNE MONOLOGUE 6 --25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee

This bee is about as misguided as Mitt Romney choosing Paul Ryan as his running mate. Upon hearing the news, my Dan Dad said he wasn’t sure whether he was more upset about that or Miley Cyrus’s new haircut, but either way he was spending the evening in his room watching reruns of The Golden Girls.   Mister Ryan has firmly supported laws that could criminalize all abortions and some forms of birth control.  After hearing that, my Carl Dad said that not only does he believe that birth control should be legal, but for politicians like Mr. Ryan it should be mandatory.  My Carl Dad also says that any candidate who calls Ayn Rand his hero could probably be convinced to legalize abortion if you told him it would only be used on poor people who were already born.

As for me?  I think that both my dads should stop bringing up these sorts of conversations at Thanksgiving or my Nana will probably abort her dinner all over the dining room table.  My Nana is so anti-abortion, she says won’t even eat baby carrots…just in case.  Personally,  I am deeply suspicious of a vice-presidential candidate who looks like he could be a cast member on Glee, yet does not support gay marriage or adoption.  In short, as the proud daughter of two gay fathers and  as someone who is vegetarian because I am against animal cruelty but still eats eggs because I am pro-choice, I do not believe that the Romney- Ryan ticket has my best interests at heart.

LOGAINNE MONOLOGUE 5 --25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee

This bee is about as upsetting as Mitt Romney choosing  Paul Ryan as his running mate. How on earth was this choice made?  Was Scrooge McDuck unavailable for the position?  Mister Romney announced his VP pick in front of a battleship today, which my Dan Dad says is the same setting where former President George W. Bush announced that the war in Iraq was over approximately 9 years before the war in Iraq was, in fact, over. Upon hearing that Paul Ryan was Romney‘s pick, my Carl dad said, “How they managed to find a straight, rich, white male in the Republican party is beyond me.”  He also said that if you were to make a Venn diagram of  people at parties who say that they have black friends but do not actually have black friends and Republicans, it would be one circle.

As for me?  As the proud daughter of two gay fathers, I am concerned about someone who poses in front of a battleship while still insisting that openly gay people like my dads should not be allowed to serve  in the military. And as someone with extensive blood sugar issues, I cannot in good conscience support a vice president who wants to dismantle medicare.  In this Olympic year, ladies and gentlemen,  I submit that the Romney-Ryan ticket does not have my best interests in mind and should take the silver medal.

LOGAINNE MONOLOGUE 4 --25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee

This bee is about as misguided as the Boy Scouts of America and their decision not to allow homosexual scouts or troop leaders.  President Obama’s statement yesterday that he opposes the Scouts’ ban on gays was a cause for celebration in the Schwartzandgrubinierre household last night.  My Dan dad says that any group who has badges for basket making, theater, and leatherwork is going to get some gay members whether it likes  it or not.  My Carl dad says he should have known that the Scouts didn’t have any gay people in charge as soon as he realized they’re still insisting on wearing top to bottom khaki and it is no longer 1996. As for me? As a proud daughter of two gay dads, I think that any organization that spends that much of its time talking about the sex lives of children has a few issues of its own to deal with before they get involved in the personal lives of their members and troop leaders.

Personally I think, at a time when all-american straight country music star Randy Travis has been found drunk, naked, and threatening to kill police officers, we should stop worrying so much about things like whether or not my Dan Dad should be allowed to make an honest man of my Carl Dad.  Homosexuality or country music? Who’s the real enemy here?

LOGAINNE MONOLOGUE 3 (Not Used) -- 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee

This Bee is about as misguided as the current New Hampshire state legislature.  The state House of Representatives passed a bill requiring doctors to tell pregnant women that abortion causes breast cancer.  You know who doesn’t think abortion causes breast cancer?  The American Cancer Society AND the World Health Organization.  My Carl dad says, call him crazy,  but  he prefers to take cancer advice from organizations with the word “cancer” or “health” in the title instead of from guys in suits who weren’t rich enough to get elected to real congress.

The legislation cites studies that say that every year a woman doesn’t have a full-term pregnancy, her odds of getting breast cancer increase by 3%.  So by that logic, girls should be forced to have their first baby at the age of 12 and, frankly, with all the stress of preparing for my bat mitzvah, starting junior high, and learning long division, I just don’t have TIME to raise a child.

LOGAINNE MONOLOGUE 2 -- 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee

This Bee is about as misguided as Chick-Fil-A President Dan Cathy’s views on gay marriage.  Last month Mister Cathy was quoted as saying that people who support gay marriage are “inviting God’s judgment on our nation.”  I, for one, think that God has bigger things to worry about. For example, the fact that Justin Bieber, an excellent singer and lesbian icon of our era, hasn’t won a single grammy award.  How is that possible?

Anyway, as someone with extensive blood sugar issues, I recognize the importance of tasty food, but cannot condone a restaurant who believes that my Dan Dad shouldn’t be allowed to make an honest man of my Carl Dad.  I just can’t.

LOGAINNE MONOLOGUE 1--25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee

This Bee is about as confusing to me as this year's summer Olympics.  What is going on there?  The fact that Michael Phelps didn’t even medal in the 400 meter individual medley sent shockwaves through the Schwartzandgrubenierre household.  My Dan Dad says  that when Phelps stopped smoking marijuana, his swimming went to hell.  My Dan Dad says he sometimes smokes medicinal marijana for his back pain, but my Carl Dad says he really does it to keep Doritos in business and convince himself that Bob Marley’s songs don't all sound exactly the same.

THE TONY AWARDS: Or, The Only Place I Know Where People Crowd-Surf In Evening Gowns

8:14pm:  The opening number has Patti LuPone mowing lawns. Great. Now Mitt Romney will probably check her immigration status.

8:21pm:  Martin Lowe has exactly the hair I'd expect an orchestrator to have. 

8:27pm:  I think we're all watching Two-Beer-Amanda-Seyfried.

8:32pm:  LITTLE KNOWN FACT:  Bernadette Peters has sold her soul to Newt Gingrich for the ability to never age.  Totes worth it.

8:37pm:  1) Gluten  2) The smell of freshly brewed coffee  3) Kittens  #ThingsIWouldGiveUpForADayWithDannyBurstein

8:41pm:  "Maybe if we put giant buildings moving behind them, no one will notice this is a terrible show" -- set designer of "Ghost."

8:43pm:  What if the winner for best direction of a musical went to "South-East"?

8:44pm:  "Oh wait, he MIGHT be straight.  He's European." --unnamed person at my Tony get-together  #MaybeMe

8:46pm: "Last time I was onstage here, I won a pie-eating contest."  God, if they gave Tonys for pie-eating, I'd be WAYYY more likely to win one.

8:52pm: "Sir, you just lost your Tony category.  Now put on these extremely tight pants, and belt a high B-natural."

9:00pm: "I'm so honored to be here tonight, I've decided to only cover my breasts with bitsy little flowers." --Jessica Chastain

9:06pm: This is a little bit like when your drunk uncle decides to do showtunes at the family reunion. #MatthewBroderick #StayAwayFromYourNieces

9:17pm: "Additionally, I am thrilled to say that I cannot move my face." --Ellen Barkin. I think she thinks she's smiling.

9:20pm: Hadn't realized that every sitcom star from 1983 had a Tony nomination this year.

9:27pm: With Hunter and Sutton and now the Keenan-Bolgers, I'm starting to realize my parents screwed my career by making me an only child. #MyImaginarySisterWonATony

9:32pm: "We're gonna go out on a limb here and choose the only score that isn't from a straight play." --Tony voters in the best musical score category

9:35pm: Don't worry.  That's a real baby, but they drugged it so it won't cry. #BenadrylIsNotJustForMeth

9:43pm: Of course Tyler Perry is presenting Best Revival.  Every movie he's ever written is a revival of every other movie he's ever written.

9:45pm: Next revival let's recast the Loman family with the Lohan family #DeathOfABadActress

9:52pm: "Sure Cristin, you're totes in the Tonys number.  But it's the weird staring song and the audience will probably think you had a stroke." #GoodNewsBadNews

9:57pm: Don't want to insult the upcoming "Hairspray" cruise ship performance, but I will say that now might be a good time for a revival of "Titanic."

10:12pm: Apparently the unstated theme of this year's Tonys is "Women Wandering Silently Whilst Men Sing And Dance Around Them" #Once #Evita #Newsies

10:14pm: Wait, did someone revive "Up With People" without telling me? #Godspell

10:18pm: I was rooting for "Follies" but I'm glad "Porgy and Bess" won so I could see that bow-tie.  #PorgyAndColonelSanders

10:24pm:  I refuse to watch a version of "Hairspray" where Tracy Turnblad does not have cankles!

10:25pm:  Wait.  WAIT.  Can we please acknowledge the fact that a woman just CROWD-SURFED at the Tony Awards??

10:39pm:  If you win a Tony and no one in your family recently died of cancer, expect to be cut off in the middle of your acceptance speech #TonyRules

10:54pm:  Wow, Nina Arianda is alarmingly thin.  Imagine she will be playing Tracy on Royal Carribean's "Hairspray" cruise next year.

10:58pm:  It's just so refreshing to hear an actress thank your rapist.  #AudraClassyMcDonald #TonysOver

THE LAST REPUBLICAN DEBATE: or "Why Obama Kills Babies But It Doesn't Matter Because We'll All Die in His Nuclear Kenyan War Anyway"

7:59pm: Before the debate starts, let's have a moment of silence for our fallen GOP candidates

8:00pm: Michele Bachman, who's at home hypnotizing the gay out of her homosexual husband.....

8:01pm: ...Herman Cain who is, at this very moment, trying to pass off molesting a female employee as “grabbing the remote...”

8:04pm: ...And finally Rick Perry, sitting quietly at N***head ranch trying to figure out how to make the microwave broadcast tv shows

8:06pm: Newt Gingrich is wearing a purple tie because he hates America. I wonder which one of his wives picked it out.

8:17pm: Romney keeps saying he “served in the Olympics” like it's the Army. This is not a "back in 'Nam" story, Sir

8:19pm: Ron Paul: “I called Santorum fake because he's fake.” Oh, if the whole election were like this, voting would be a lot easier.

8:25pm: Pretty sure Romney just said he's conservative because he's against cloning. Is this the litmus test now?

8:26pm: Because I,too, am against cloning except in the case of Tom Hanks whom I think we should have more of.

8:28pm: “Are you a good earmark or a bad earmark?” – Dorothy in the first draft of Wizard of Oz

8:29pm: ROMNEY: “Oh, earmarks? I don't actually pay any taxes, so I'm not all that concerned what they go to pay for.”

8:33pm: Gingrich answers every question as though he's telling a story to his grandchildren about their first grandmother

8:38pm: In all fairness, Romney is kind of an expert on the bankruptcy process since he put so many companies through it.

8:43pm: Ron Paul going out on a limb and saying we shouldn't endorse bank-robbers. I say if they have Olympic experience, give 'em a shot

8:48pm: GINGRICH: “Barack Obama killed babies.” No really he said that. That is also a thing I would make up for him to say but also he said it.

8:49pm: Here's how it went: "How do you feel about birth control?" "Obama kills BABIES." Oh

8:50pm: Jeez...after this, Gingrich is NEVER going to choose Obama to run his moon colony

8:54pm: Excited that Newt “Open Marriage” Gingrich is lecturing me about abstinence. Looking forward to Jeffrey Dahmer's lecture on healthy eating

8:58pm: Oh good, I was HOPING someone would bring up Planned Parenthood

8:59pm: Pretty sure the moderator has wandered off to get a beer.

9:02pm: Said it before and I'll say it again: Birth control shouldn't just be legal, for Santorum it should be mandatory

9:04pm: When Romney says “Let's not forget you endorsed me,” to Santorum, it's definitely a sexual euphemism.

9:07pm: Huh. Romney's new plan includes cutting taxes in all tax brackets. Also no longer having schools or roads. Intriguing

9:09pm: Ron Paul reminds me of my grandfather who says “Damn Japs” every time he bumps his head on the door of my parents' Honda Accord

9:13pm: BREAKING: Santorum agrees to legalize abortion, but only on Mexicans who are already born

9:21pm: "Define yourself in one word" -- Gingrich "Well-endowed. Wait, do hyphens count?"

9:24pm: Gingrich: "I'm going to answer your question by naming different ways you can die in the military. EVEN IN A TRUCK."

9:30pm: You can tell that Romney practiced saying "Ahmadinejad" all night at home

9:31pm: I believe Romney just said if we re-elect Obama we will have a nuclear war

9:32pm: Which, by the way, is IMPOSSIBLE because Obama will be WAY too busy murdering babies to have a war

9:41pm: 100 minutes into the debate and we just heard a female voice for the first time

9:46pm: Santorum home-schooled his seven children. I'll just let you all absorb that information without my comment.

9:48pm: The good news is we can all count on seeing Santorum again when his kids compete in the national spelling bee #homeschool

9:53pm: Biggest misconception about you: PAUL: “That I didn't return your hedge clippers. I totes did after using them to threaten those meddling kids”

9:54pm: SANTORUM: "Biggest misconception is that I use magnetic poetry to craft all answers to my questions"

9:55pm: ROMNEY: Biggest misconception is that I only paid 15% in taxes. Please. I paid NO TAXES BITCHES"

10:00pm: SUMMARY: Paul finally ready to go to war with Japanese over Pearl Harbor, Santorum new spelling bee champ, OBAMA KILLS BABIES. Do you know where your children are?

Some people use their Saturday nights to go out with friends or spend quality time with family or invent the cure to cancer (honestly, not very many people are doing the third one. GET ON THAT.) I watched the Miss America pageant and shared my thoughts on twitter. Is it as noble as curing cancer? No, but in my defense, the only reason I passed my high school chemistry class is because the teacher let me write poems for extra credit. So maybe I should stay out of the science field unless you want your cancer-cure to give you extra-super-bonus-sized cancer. You do not want that.

8:59pm: Oooh ooh, it's Miss America time!


9:04pm: Miss Louisiana is the only one with enough sense to wear a coat when it's obviously freezing. I already vote for her.


9:05pm: "The land of enchantment and green chile"--Best description ever for New Mexico and also my refrigerator.


9:06pm: Really? "Land of the first miniature golf course?" Worst intro ever. CUT HER IMMEDIATELY.


9:17pm: If we had a swimsuit competition for the judges, I can tell you who would win. (HINT: not the one wearing sunglasses inside)


9:19pm: Miss Florida has dead eyes. If a contestant gets stabbed backstage tonight, she is my first suspect.


9:22pm: Pretty sure Miss Illinois' talent is never moving her upper lip when she talks. PLEASE let her make it to the interview portion


9:23pm: Oooh, naive Miss Colorado. Do you not realize that God is too busy with Tim Tebow tonight for this pageant to be in his hands?


9:26pm: NOTE: You can download high resolution pics of the contestants on the Miss America website if you're really creepy...errr, interested.


9:28pm: Yay Miss Louisiana!! See? Having the sense to wear a coat in cold weather really did pay off. (Your mom was right)


9:31pm: FACT: The swimsuit competition is called Lifestyle and Fitness because a woman's fitness is directly proportional to the size of her breasts


9:32pm: Maybe her talent is anorexia RT @uwpux: Who announces their weight on national TV? She's horrid.


9:40pm: Don't want to alarm anyone, but it's been about 4 min. since Miss South Carolina mentioned her weight loss. Am I on the wrong channel?


9:41pm: Umm...the judge just said he's looking for "someone who knows current events" in the swimsuit competition.


9:41pm: Is "knowledge of current events" a euphemism for breasts that I was not aware of?


9:44pm: Fact: Miss Hawaii won the preliminary talent competition by jumping rope. Assume losers' talents were tetherball and hopscotch


9:45pm: I stand corrected. Miss Hawaii actually jumped rope ON HER BOTTOM. Look up the video.


9:56pm: Anyone want to place bets on how many years it will take before "evening wear competition" becomes "lingerie competition"?


9:58pm: "It's the girl inside the gown that really counts." I suppose that's why you're showing so much of her then.


10:01pm: Oh dear. Miss Alabama clearly has a sparkly tumor on her shoulder. Do they have sparkle-chemo?


10:04pm: Girls who voted for Miss Alabama rethinking their choice after sparkle-tumor dress. Hopefully one of you will grow up to build a time machine


10:10pm: Miss America talents you never hear about: Bowling, speed-reading, animal husbandry


10:11pm: OMG don't understand why they superimposed "AFRAID OF WINDMILLS" under this girl's dance, but it is my new favorite thing


10:12pm: Ok, she's adorable. I hope Miss AfraidOfWindmills (possibly her Indian name) wins


10:13pm: Miss Oklahoma, unless you are afraid of a Dutch form of gathering electricity, I AM NOT INTERESTED


10:15pm: Oh no, anther elimination. This is the part where dead-eyes-Florida starts stabbing bitches.


10:18pm: ADVICE: If playing the piano, wear a dress with a VERY high slit. No one will notice if you miss a note.


10:19pm: IF SHE CAN PLAY PIANO AND HULA HOOP AT THE SAME TIME, WHY DOES SHE NOT DO THAT???


10:21pm: Suspect that Miss Texas's real talent is faking orgasms


10:29pm: FACT: Miss South Carolina is about to eat all the cupcakes they have backstage.


10:33pm: Talent portion -- In this woman's version of Cats, the felines are clearly in heat.


10:34pm: No more singers please. Let's go back to Chief AfraidofWindmills and her awkward doll-dance.


10:37pm: "I saw way too much!" We all did, judge. We all did.


10:40pm: I imagine some of these women choose singing as their talent because fellatio is not an option.


10:42pm: They had to eliminate Miss Alabama so she could get the sparkly tumor on her left shoulder looked at


10:44pm: "Miss Wisconsin, your question is: What the hell do you think about that other girl's fear of windmills? Crazy right?"


10:44pm: Miss Wisconsin's answer sounded like magnetic poetry


10:49pm: I want a reality show with Miss Illinois and a whole bunch of windmills called "Why Doesn't She Ever Move Her Upper Lip"


10:57pm: This woman that won? She wasn't good at things. Not even pageanty things.


11:01pm: SUMMARY: Miss Sparkle-Tumor and Miss Afraid-of-Windmills get reality show wherein they undergo sparkly windmill chemo